Casper woke 5 times last night so feeling pretty confident tonight’s the night he’ll sleep through finally and I’ll regain the ability to form sentences. On a completely unrelated topic.. anybody know which emoji best encapsulates delusion? 😂🤷🏼♀️😬.
It happened as the trees shed their leaves having crept silently in on the breeze one morning. I nursed you, my body already exhausted in the fresh light of a new day as the last tatters of a dream crumbled in my fingers. I sighed a deep sigh from the depth of my soul and then she was gone, that mother I thought I would be.
Only I saw her go because only I ever knew she existed. A picture I’d been drawing for so many years marked out on gilded paper. The idea of a woman, impervious to doubt, never fatigued and always smiling. A clean house, a happy child, how does she do it people would say. I see her shadow now, like a ghost clinging on. I want to tell her she’s not welcome anymore but I know she’ll creep back in from time to time.
She wanted so badly to have the answers to every riddle. Thought that logic would rule the chaos and things could be just so if she just tried hard enough. If she gave her everything. And then a bit more. But some riddles are unsolvable, time is their only ruler. Some mountains are unscalable when even your bones are exhausted.
So as I pull my hair back wet from the shower; I see the new Mother that stands in her place. Imperfect and battle weary. She’ll wonder again today if love will be enough to replace not always having the answers. Not always getting it right. I’ll whisper reassurance to her quietly; remind her softly that she turned up, loved and tried. I’ll tell her that she will do that today and every day forever more. And in some small way that will have to be enough. It is enough. It’s all enough. She is enough.
Ever so slightly on the edge of losing my mind this morning.. This little onion is back to waking 4 times consistently at night and still refusing his afternoon naps (he was awake from 1PM until 6:30PM yesterday afternoon 😱 and did I mention his naps only last 20/30 minutes anyway 🤷🏼♀️) so if anyone’s got an extra drop of sanity laying around I could sure use it 🙋🏼.
#metoo to quote @ragingbush, the matriarchy is coming 💪 it’s devastating how ubiquitous sexual assault has become. We all have a #metoo story and that just fucking sucks. ❤️ to all people that have been violated in any way.