REAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. (PTW)
#lunch today was salad and apple crumble(!!) I genuinely don't like custard so I didn't have it with my crumble. And I know that salad is nowhere near enough, but the only lunch options were a creamy chicken dish and pizza. I really dislike school pizza and also didn't want the chicken, so that's why I didn't have anything.
Anyways, today was a very shitty day in general. Ever since school started in September teachers have been really concerned about my weight, and they have been constantly weighing me and paying attention to what I'm eating.
I've been asked to see the headmistress today, and she told me that they are going to ban me from doing any sports (I never overexercise anyway), and I couldn't even play tennis (only once a week). They are also thinking about forcing me to get protein/supplement milkshakes so that I would gain.
I've been bawling my eyes out while the headmistress was speaking to me, and she told me that if I don't gain I will be sent back home (which is like 12 hours away by PLANE). I am so sick and tired of this. I know they want me to get better and be healthy, they keep telling me that if I don't gain I won't get into university and I won't achieve my aspirations. But they are giving me an immense amount of pressure, and I am so tired of being constantly watched and with teachers talking behind my back about me. The only source of pressure I'm dealing with is exerted by the teachers who 'want the best for me'. How ironic.
I know they mean well, and I know I'm not healthy. But I'm already gaining, and they know that. I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired of this. They say I'm not eating anything when they don't see what I eat outside mealtimes. I'm trying so fucking hard and they just don't understand.
I have no one to talk to. Why can't I be normal. Why are they treating me like a monster.
I can't do this anymore.
Ужинаю сегодня в 16:28 ⏰
— Картофельная пюрешка с маслом (200 г)
— Фрикадельки куриные в сливочном соусе — Черный байховый чай с с/з☕️
Сегодня ужинаю рановато и не творогом , т.к проблемы с животом уже третий день ..
#Happy#BirthDay to the most amazing pretty cute #madridista in the world!
I wish you can enjoy your 17th birthday
In this special day I hope all of your dreams come true!
Btw... #Ana , I'm your fan from #Algeria haha XD
Te Amo :3 @cr7_loving
Yummy #lunch today was salad🥗 with roasted mushrooms🍄 and ravioli in tomato sauce🍅.
Had weigh in this afternoon, and I think my mum is satisfied with me😌
My parents have to work really long today, cause they have a big event in their company tonight. My mum is currently getting ready again, cause she only got home for lunch and needs to go back to the company now😥. They are pretty stressed lately, but I'm okay with it as I know that they truly love us, even if they talk about work really much all the time, when they're home. My dad will fly to Chile this weekend, for his job. I'll also celebrate my birthday party with my friends these days, and yes, I am sad that he won't be with me, but I know that if he'd had a choice, he'd stay at home with me🤞❤
Going to do some school stuff now and then meeting some friends this evening. Have a nice tuesday😛 xxx
Sometimes you just have to write off the day and say that your only achievement come night is that you've eaten enough, and that's okay ... Cause that's equivelant to fighting 100 world wars in your mind.
Afternoon snack is an apple with cinnamon and cottage cheese, pretty predicible🙈
This is actually my morning snack/lunch and afternoon snack in one. Having a hard day coping and I couldn't bring myself to eat m/s or lunch so I just went to bed. Actually, sleep is all I want to do. I want to sleep and wake up to this all being gone. One of the reasons that I found it hard to cope today is bc I emailed my old Ed-treatment lady ask if if my old meal plan is what I should follow even if I'm not underweight and in need of gaining right now and she said partly yes but I can make my snacks smaller I I paniced bc that means I have been eating to much and that means that I must have gained a lot and now nobody is going to believe that I have a problem when I go to the Ed-clinic on Tuesday (new therapist/treater) and they will just se me as fat and not worth the help. I already have a hard time seeing that I am sick since I'm not a skinny as the to other "hard" falls into anorexia(the first time and relapse 1) and my maintaining weight then was lower than now but I am trying to tell myself that it was 6 and 3 years ago your body changes from 12 to 15 to 18. Trying to tell myself I'm sick enough, but it's hard.
Hahahahahhaahhah😂😂😂😂😂 @ana.kohler | -Dauer: 1Stunde😅 | Leute es tut mir leid das man die Schrift am Anfang nicht gut lesen kann😕, hab mir einafch mega mühe gegeben, und würde mich riesig freuen, wenn Ana dieses Video sehen würde...🙈❤️ Bitte markiert sie...🙏🏼❤️ #team#ana#family#teamanaforever 💓 @ana.kohler i Love you🌹
Alles war schwarz, nebelig und kalt... ich wusste nicht mehr viel von dem, was passiert war. Nur noch, dass ich plötzlich Panik geschoben hatte und abgehauen war. Ich hatte meine Schachteln mit den Tabletten und noch anderes Zeug mitgenommen und befand mich augenscheinlich irgendwo im Wald... ich war komplett benebelt und wusste überhaupt nichts mehr, konnte keinen klaren Gedanken fassen. Teile meiner Kleidung waren nass und klamm vom Blut, was mir aus einer offenen Wunde am Bauch und Arm lief. Und plötzlich hörte ich Stimmen die meinen Namen riefen. Wieder stieg pure Panik in mir hoch und ich richtete mich auf, wollte nur noch weg von hier und den Menschen, die nach mir suchten. „Hier ist sie!!“, rief eine männliche Stimme und rannte hinter mir her. Das verschlimmerte meine Gedanken nur und ich rannte kopflos durch den dichten Wald, bis mich von hinten etwas packte und auf den Boden zerrte. Ich wehrte mich, trat, schlug und schrie, doch das Gewicht des Mannes - ein Polizist wie ich nun feststellen konnte- drückte mich weiter zu Boden. Nur ein paar Sekunden später kamen alle hinzu... zwei weitere Beamte, meine Mutter, mein Vater und mein Bruder, mein dazugerufener Therapeut und vier Ärzte, von denen mich 2 auf eine Trage hievten. Sofort legten sie mir einen Zugang, spritzen Beruhigungsmittel und gaben mir Medikamente um meinen Kreislauf zu stabilisieren. „Atme ganz langsam und gleichmäßig“ hörte ich einen Arzt reden der mein Shirt nach oben geschoben hatte um meine Wunde am Bauch zu behandeln. Mein Therapeut stand hinter mir und massierte meine Schläfen mit einem ätherischen Öl, was er auch benutzte um mich aus Dissoziationen zu holen.. ich zitterte immer noch stark und war komplett aufgewühlt, so dass die Ärzte kaum eine Chance hatten mich zu behandeln... ich konnte mich nicht mehr beruhigen... #sad#svv#suicide#suizid#fuckoff#bpd#bps#ana#magersucht#anorexie#cut#blood#story#real#cry#ritzen#therapy#clinic#borderline
- L'anoressia cambia le persone da dentro. Il cambiamento oltre ad essere fisico, è anche mentale. Io sono sempre stata una persona sincera, incapace di dire bugie alle persone. Eppure ricordo che durante la malattia ero diventata spudorata. Prendevo in giro i miei famigliari, tutti, con una naturalezza impressionante. Avevo ideato mille giochetti per essere più pesante al momento della pesata settimanale. Indossavo strati di maglie sotto ai felponi, nascondevo pesetti nelle tasche o nelle calze, bevevo litri e litri di acqua..ogni etto in più era fondamentale su quella bilancia. E in tutto questo, io mi sentivo potente, non mi rendevo conto di quello che stavo facendo, ero completamente sopraffatta da qualcosa che allora non conoscevo ancora. -
Buon pomeriggio principesse💕 vi mostro velocemente il mio pranzetto delle 15.00😑 prima di scappare a studiare: burger classico di soia, zucchine trifolate fatte dal capo👩 (!!) e gallette! Spazzolato fino all'ultima briciola ad una velocità impressionante💨 Voi che mi raccontate? come stanno procedendo le vostre giornate?❤ #healthygram#healthy#healthyfood#diet#instapic#instagood#instashare#instafood#wellness#foodpic#foodblogger#instafit#followme#eatthecolours#edwarrior#body#image#ana#struggle#school