I'm such a wreck right now. I feel so bad. I feel so off put. I just checked my BP and it's really high. Close to going to the hospital high. 141/97. I might get to drive again but only if my BP calms a bit. My mom lets me drive around parking lots when my brother has to go to an AA or NA meeting and he has to tonight. He drank last night and got violent and triggered me when my mom was working. He used to beat me up practically to a pulp at times all the time. And I got so scared last night. He said my triggering, dead name several tomes too. It hurt. The look in his eyes. The stance he held. All so familiar. Even when he didn't used to be drunk or drinking, he hurt me in ways unspeakable. I feel so corned and invaded. It triggered a lot of flashbacks last night. Sadly my mom and dad (even though he's a deadbeat, abusive and doesn't live with us *thankfully*) can tell that he's not changed. If it weren't for his arms being locked in place from heterotopic ossification I would fear my life. I mean, that's fine honestly, I'd like to be stabbed to death like he's threatens in the past. I want to die. But it's still a fear factor for while I'm alive for Daniel. He's done some sick awful things. And I don't want to live with him. I'm scared. My mom hopes to send him to my dad's or a home somewhere. But I don't know. My dad is a total dipshit. And abusive and doesnt help so he probably won't help on this either. But I need away from Mason.
Here we are again. I remember writing lots of blogs during my journey and towards the end of my journey with self harm and suicidal thoughts. Last year, I deleted all 300 blogs.
Part of the reason was that the point of view or perspective I had and was sharing at the time was still coming from a place of blame and victim mentality. I thought that by keeping that there, I was possibly doing more harm than good to those reading it. I decided to start over. This time from a perspective of self accountability and responsibility. A perspective of faith and not fear, one that doesn't only come from a dark place but understands the necessary balance of both dark and light.
Causing physical pain to yourself does not solve the problem you're facing. It relieves in the moment but then back to the problem you go. The true way is to take the journey within and trust. Learn to trust yourself. Get to know yourself outside of your pain and mistakes and past. This can help you understand yourself better and being you to a better state of mind to understand why you did it, why it doesn't solve the problem and to be honest with yourself and address the changes within yourself. As a survivor myself of 9+ years of self harm (from 13 to 22 and one relapse) I come to you all heart to heart and tell you you will make it, everything will be ok just trust, and you are a warrior for facing this and still going on another day. There will be things that I'm going to say that will have you thinking differently that involve being honest with yourself and taking responsibility for your life. This will give you power. Love you all.
RSF X HARVEY - for those who are familiar, I will be running ReplenishSF a little differently this time. ****All monetary donations will be used to buy tampons and diapers for shelters in Houston.**** Physical donations are still accepted, but they will be donated to local domestic violence shelters all across the Bay Area.
All necessary details in the video.
I hope you guys are down to support RSFXHARVEY. Repost and spread the word.
Abuse Is Passed Down From Generation To Generation
When a parent has been emotionally and physically abused as a young child, they will pass their abuse onto their children. .
This abuse will keep on being passed down from generation to generation, until one day an extremely abused child promises to themselves to learn from their parent's mistakes, by not repeating history.
If you want to stop repeating history, do what l did and visit:
Order these five MP3s:
# Self Confidence MS
# How To Attract Love MS
# Abuse Healed Through Forgiveness MS
# How To Handle Criticism MS
# Stop Being Angry MS
You must play the first MP3 at least once a day for thirty days or more, then proceed to the next MP3. It takes thirty days for the brain to reprogram itself.
Australia is filled with abused children, teenagers and adults. That is why there is so much domestic violence within families. .
At least once a week one Australian woman is killed by her husband, ex husband, boyfriend or ex boyfriend.
When everyone learns to love themselves and regain their self-esteems, including people in prisons, only then can we put a halt to abuse being handed down to future generations.
Counsellor Service For Women
I will be tabling at the TRAPPED UNDER ICE show on September 30th! I will be utilizing the RSF platform to raise money to buy tampons and diapers for the Hurricane Harvey survivors. All details are in the video. REPOST! Thank you so much @totmoneymilionaire for asking me to table, I am so stoked!
Yes, I try to bring awareness and education to narcissistic abuse. But, even more so, I want each and every one of you to know that your abuse doesn't define you. Did it change you? Yes. Did it scar you? Yes. Is it you? No. Know who you are in the eyes of the One who made you. Find your worth. Find your purpose. Find healing. It all has the same Source. There is life, an abundant one if you choose, after abuse. I'm living that, and it all started with one step of obedience to God at a time. #Obedience#Healing#Identity#Purpose#Worth 📷: @stacycarosaphotography
I push people away it's what I do best. I don't trust a word you say the problem isn't you at all it is me trust me I know I sound like a total cliche but every word I say is true.I put my guard up as a defense I refuse to be hurt again to be left alone yet again is not an option. So please forgive me if I'm distant don't give up on me I beg of you I need you. One day I'll let down my wall and let you in I'll tell you my past I'll tell you my secrets and maybe then you'll understand. My head is full of monsters my past is haunted by demons how can I expect someone to look past them all. Surely you'll run as soon as I tell you so I beg of you please be patient as I build up the courage to potentially watch you walk out of my life as you decide my past is just to much.
900 SURVIVORS UNITED I am so thankful, keep sharing these posts and helping others find these self-love and healing messages!!! October will be full of art, poetry, and music created for myself and others to heal, the more people who will be exposed to it the more we can start to heal this hole that has been ripped out of our hearts. Every day I feel better thanks to this page and all of you. #supportsurvivors#staytuned
There are other single Mama's out there who understand the struggle. The nonstop running around, the bedtime stories and rubbing backs when you just want a moment to yourself and some sleep. 💜
There are other abuse victims (victors 😉) who understand the struggle. The trust issues, the confusion, the fear of letting someone in again. Learning to love yourself enough to say "no." 💜
Most importantly, God knows your struggle more intimately than anyone. He loves you, he hears you, you are not alone. 👩 -Destinee
Today has been a big bag of mixed up emotions - starting with group therapy ; this week a lot was brought up regarding sexual abuse. After pouring my heart out to the ladies again it has brought up so many memories, I'm having constant flashbacks and unfortunately its affected me that much today that I was unable to read my little boy a bed time story (so now I'm feeling like a shitty mother too) besides all the current negative feelings, I know deep down I must continue with this, no matter how hard it gets!! I've seen the smallest bit of light at the end of tunnel and I shall grasp onto that hope until the bitter end. I will make it through this and I will be a better, wiser, stronger person at the end and you can bet yo' ass ill NEVER let anyone treat me like that EVER again. I am worthy, even if I don't feel like that right now 🖤#mentalhealth#mentalhealthawareness#bipolar#abuse#abusesurvivor
I constantly remind myself that I should not hide the fact that drugs and alcohol felt good, and that is the number one reason I became an addict and one of the reasons I am in recovery. Equally important to acknowledge is that with every high there is a low, and it is important I emphasise this to others. I must share the pain of my addiction. Drugs destroy and take away everything that is beautiful in life. Waking up every morning to get smashed is draining and destructive. When chasing the drugs and alcohol I could never get enough, and it never filled the hole it kept digging. I'm open about my life of substance abuse and addiction so it may enable others to accept that the high is the only way they will believe the intensity of the low. If I'm not willing to advocate the dangers of addiction to others then the message dies. And when the message dies, so do many of our fellow brothers and sisters.
Look at this peice of trash. Leave hate down bellow!
Animals should not be killed off, they are beautiful, kind, loving and loyal friends, far more loyal than humans. If I had a choice I would choose animal over humanity. I hate and despise humans, there are only a few people that I am okay with. This person is apparently a member of the black veil brides army, but he says "kill all animals" but Andy Biersack loves animals, he does alot for them, he helps animal charities, he has a blind dog aswell as other animals, he is vegan. But this fucking idiot says kill all animals. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?? @black_veil_matt !!!! - knife
Sometimes I get angry because I never stood my ground. Because I kept my composure and didn't react in the face of adversity. Then I replay scenes, thinking how I could of handled it better, but the thing is it's already in the past, you have no proof. The scars fade and you don't want to seem fragile or hysterical so you joke about it and brush it off, but the fact remains that VIOLENCE (not to be confused with anger.) - is a choice, anger is a feeling you react to, and VIOLENCE or inflicting harm is NOT OK - NOT EVER. Ever.
I was reminded of that again today. When I found myself in an unexpected situation, and came off unnerved but unscathed physically.
Speak up, make a scene.
What good is your silence?
Scream for all those who have gone before.
You have been demure and prudent for long enough and it no longer serves you. #change#humanity#humane#support#abuse#violence#speakup#standup#thefutureisfemale#tired#supportyourwoman#violenceagainstwomen#propeace#stopviolence
OK so now I told family I wanted a 6month marriage only... what liars that made me leave my job family and friends career and future plans and my dreams and goals to be abused and locked under everyone's feet and then lie about me instead of owning up to the real monsters they all are! #ugly#truth#mad#fuckyou#liars#abuse#bully#bad#narcissist#yuck
"Beauty For Ashes"
We have to choose to not let what has happened to us define us.
The butterfly is a symbol of rebirth and transformation, often used as a national symbol for women overcoming domestic abuse. While the calla lilies represent peace and purity. "These scars do not fade, they do not heal with time, but I look for the clearing in the dark sky. When the smoke clears and these tears finally dry, I will see what love looks like for the first time" .