Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my best friend Linus, taken too soon at 3.5 years old of a suspected heart attack. It's been a year filled with so many tears but also a lot of laughter and happiness.
As I was reflecting, I realized that his death impacted a lot of my Instagram friends. I wondered why it had such an impact. What I have discovered is that my pain is not unique. Many of you have experienced intense pain and loss. You understand those final traumatic moments. You are familiar with the emptiness, the longing, of being left behind. You could reach out and touch my pain, because many of you have felt it yourselves.
You told me of loyal friends who passed away after 15 years by your side. Of dogs who died in horrible accidents where you were left questioning if it was your fault. I've heard stories of partners committing suicide, the loss of a child. Some of you have lost pregnancies, fought illnesses, or watched loved ones struggle to survive.
No, my pain is not special. And I understand that now. But I am forever grateful to my friends here who supported me and told me their own stories of loss and pain.
Two specific things helped me to get through this past year. First, I had to assign purpose to his death. I couldn't function thinking that things happen for no reason and sometimes life is just shit. I had to tell myself that because of his death, it opened me up to a new world of being more present and kind and less angry, because you never know what will happen. I quit my job, moved across the country, and get to spend my days hanging out with my baby and two dogs.
Second, I needed something to hold on to when things got really bad. I was drowning and I needed something to believe in, to make me smile, to help me move forward. That was my daughter Huxley and my puppy Sheena. They carried my heart until I was ready to carry it myself.
It's been a year and I think I'm ready to carry my own heart now.
Love you Linus. My tears for you could fill an ocean, and still it wouldn't feel like enough.