POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING *suicide*.
Any time I’ve ever been assessed at emergency, or as an inpatient, or at a psych ward, they’ve always ask me ‘are you feeling or have you ever felt suicidal?’. I’ve always answered ‘no’, because I have never felt like taking an action that would directly end my life. But I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I am to be alive. There are countless times that I flirted with death in a drunken haze. I had total and absolute disregard for my own life. I became completely indifferent about living. I often repeat to myself words my dad once said to me; ‘no matter how bad things get, there is guaranteed to come a day where you are so glad to be alive.’ I used to say those words to myself because I needed something to keep me going. I needed some hope. Today I say those words to myself because they came true. I can say with absolute conviction that I believed I had NO hope. I believed I was just riding the wave into complete insanity. I believed that my drinking would kill me. I couldn’t see a future for myself and it was something so ingrained in me that I had started getting used to it. I know I’m not alone. Having such disregard for one’s own life is just as dangerous as being ‘suicidal’ and demands help and support. Please reach out if you feel this way or notice anyone acting this way. Everybody’s suffering is valid. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
Die schwarzen Frauen - Marianne von Werefkin, 1910