Hey guys, (kinda coming out on something off lgbtq topics) I know for a very VERY long time, i stopped opening up to my followers which maybe was not a good idea, cuz i used to love sharing everything with them, and educating in certain things. It just became so hard when those posts began to give me issues in my personal life outside the internet, and i started isolating often, abandoning. And i am sorry. Anyway, back then idk maybe if i would have came out about this maybe it would have given many of my old friends or followers an understanding of why my lifes lead the way it was and why i made certain decisions. But I've lived with Dissociative Identity Disorder, for quite some time. It started around 8th grade and its grown more since. I am diagnosed schizophrenic because DID is not believed to be an official disorder and is still argued to this day to be real or not. Well i am that little 1% living proof of it existing, and it really sucks that even my own disorder is left out the spectrum, so my diagnosis forms have in parenthesis (MPD) it has also been known as multiple personality disorder. No, i am nothing like the movie split, although I have met a person who was like that, she could not remember when she would act certain ways and sometimes she would change into character personas and actually believe she was them, although that is more severe mines a bit similar but i do have consciousness in what is happening, and i dont have character personas, but personalities that had developed in periods of traumatic experiences or developed due to my childhood abuse and trying to disassociate from those thoughts and reality. It usually happens when one of my personalities begins to remember things (my ptsd) amd thats usually when i want to sleep, and i go on autopilot and everything changes. It's a difficult disorder to explain without fearing people won't believe you or think you are nuts. The strange thing with me is that I've learned to work with my personalities all together, and open my perspective. Its like living with 7 mindsets that work together to help me see a wide range of perspectives. Sometimes ill love pickles, sometimes i despise them 😂 or i
Na dobry początek.
Założyłam to konto pod wpływem impulsu. Mam już dość ukrywania się z tym, co przeżywam, (a wiem, że wylewanie swoich myśli tutaj w formie swoistego pamiętnika pomaga) ale też boję się ujawnić w swoim środowisku albo raczej obawiam się przyznania do problemu, więc drugie, anonimowe konto jest dobrym kompromisem.
Mam nadzieję, że przyniesie mi to częściową ulgę.
Pominę wydarzenia z dzisiejszego dnia, więc pamiętnik zacznę od jutra.
Chciałabym, by ten eksperyment otrzymał odzew i aktywność. Jeśli nie, to zwyczajnie porzucę to konto. Dobranoc.
I feel terrible today, like, the last time when I was feeling like this was on the day when I had my suicide attempt (and no one knows it happened...). Honestly I don't see any reason to continue my life. I don't have any friends. My family don't care about me, my dad used physical abuse at the time of my childhood, he started to destroy me at so early time. Me and the others, my sister, brother, mom. But when he ended this, my mom started using psychical violence and it never stopped :") Every one of them are also homophobic (& I'm gay heh) and they LOVE TRUMP. Yeah :-))
They never considered that I had problems in school in last two years because of my depression, which started because of them (they don't know about my depression too, they don't see anything).
My only friend left me two months ago, my ex girlfriend too, now I'm completely alone. And I don't have the strength to exist anymore. Maybe tomorrow I will change my mind. Maybe not. It don't matter anyway.
And please don't report me for what I just wrote or something,
there's no reason to worry, probably as usual I'm dramatizing (?? idk if I used the right word, I told you I'm not good at english...) #eatingdisorder#anorexia#anorexianervosa#proana#mentalillness#eat#disorders#ana#bulimia#bulimic#anorexic#mia#bulimianervosa#fooddiary#depression#selfharn
Sorry for being so inactive, I felt too depressed (maybe because I have depression? lmao) to post what I ate. Also, I was binging a lot last days. Why I did it? I was doing so well, I lost two kg and then...
But today I motivated myself enough to keep up with diet.
I want to reach 54 kg till the end of the November, when I will go to the shopping centre with my mom. She promised to buy me some new clothes and I want as small size as I can. Please, wish me luck!
Today I stayed at home because I caught a cold. But I decided to go to school tomorrow bc in school it's easier to fast.
I promise to be more active.
Stay safe, I love you 🦋💕 (and sorry for my english.....) #eatingdisorder#anorexia#anorexianervosa#proana#mentalillness#eat#disorders#ana#bulimia#bulimic#anorexic#mia#bulimianervosa#fooddiary#depression#selfharn