Six and a half months in, and these conversations happen on about an every other day basis.
Honestly, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for this kid. He’s one of my absolute best friends. He’s been with me through puberty, the lowest points in my depression, and the happiest moments in my life, like when I geek out over poetry or feel hot as fuck and send him selfies.
Friends who support your recovery are so! Important!
They can speak to you rationally when you can’t think that way. They can pull out that bit of fight that you didn’t think you had.
You do have to recover for yourself alone, but it helps to know that Jack can definitely tell a difference in me when since beginning recovery. I am much more myself when I’m not in the clutches of my ED, and knowing that this obviously makes friendship better helps me when I’m struggling.
I value friendship. I value it a lot! I’m recovering for me, but I’m also recovering to be authentic in my relationships. Jack is my friend because he likes ME, and I am not me when I’m being controlled by my ed.
I don’t think I’m gonna tag him because he’s not rlly in the bopo community, but seriously, I can’t tell you how thankful I am for this kid. He’s going to do great things.
Hello lovelies 🍉
I didn't eat much today due to feeling quite ill, but I was able to keep down my pizza from this morning. 🍕
I drank a lot of water and gingerale to try and flush out whatever is in my system that's making me feel so ill 🌊
Overall I had a good day, I mostly slept and watched movies but I didn't feel suicidal nor depressed ☀️
I just finished reading a few chapters of my book, and I'm actually really proud of myself for sitting down and pushing myself to read (I've lacked motivation to do so) 📚
Hope you all are doing wonderful! 🌸
night snack: blueberries and an almond milk latte (decaf). PTW: almost didn’t eat my night snack. i cried a lot and i’m having so much anxiety about increasing today. i talked to my therapist and made an earlier appointment with her and then i talked with my parents and they reminded me about all the things motivating me to maintain. so i decided to eat my snack. i do NOT want to have to drink ensures next week and i do NOT want to mess up my blood sugar even more and i do NOT want to end up hospitalized and i do NOT and WILL NOT give in to this disorder 💕
I know I JUST posted lol but here is another one for you all😘 I have to give a HUGE shout out to @recovering.petra (You are honestly a total sweetheart!💕✨) for the fact that I am eating anything at all today, and saying screw you to any and all ED thoughts! (TW: I planned to have nothing today, but that is no way to live!❌ You NEED to fuel your body! You literally cannot function without that so why is that even something I would consider doing?!) ✨ So here is a rice cake with Nutella😍 A yummy banana 🍌 a Cliff Bar (filled with PB😍) and some lemonade Vitamin water because screw you ana!💁🏻 I am winning today, not you! #sorrynotsorry It may not be a full days worth of nutrition that I should have had...I know that...but I still have to count this as a win✔️
I’m sick 😞 so finishing the day with a cup of green tea and honey. Strangely even though I feel physically garbage-y, I felt really good about myself today. I met with my dietician and it was helpful. She showed me how to track proteins and fats in combined recipes (like a soup) which is something I was struggling to gauge and it’s held me back from doing much cooking recently since I’ve only been focused on getting my nutrients from whole food sources.
It also helped put my mind at ease about how much I’ve been eating and the amount that’s right for me in a day. I was anxious about eating too much using the guidelines I was set and she basically said I just need to aim for certain overall macronutrient goals rather than stressing over whether I was hitting everything on the list.
A good day for mental health ⭐️ (just a crappy day for physical health 🙃)
If this isn’t everyones #goals outfit and the best #ootd ever, then idk how to help you with that realization🙈💁🏻 Fuzzy sweater, fuzzy pants, fuzzy socks, and a winter hat. Thats the dream!😘 -
I have had a hard day today (both ED and non-ED related😒) but! That just gave me more reason to practice some self-care techniques✨ Fuzzy things are life so thats 1😏 2 I spent some time in front of the christmas tree and fire place, as it makes me feel more relaxed. And 3, I did some coloring🎨 (on my phone because my books are at the boyfriends house, oops). Not all days are going to be positive, and you **cannot always control everything** (and that is okay!), but you can for sure control how you react to those events! And that is what I am trying to do today💪🏻✨ It is soo friggen hard! And I may have to just have a rough night and try again to spin it around tomorrow, but I will get there, just have to keep that in mind💕 Stay strong lovelies😘 Keep your smile🙃 #positivity#selflove#bodypositive
(THE FIRST 3 POSTS I MADE HAVE BEEN ME INTRODUCING MYSELF AND WHAT I AM CURRENTLY BATTLING! I WILL MOST LIKELY POST ON WEDNESDAY WHICH IS WHEN I WILL BE HAVING MY FIRST DIETICIAN APPOINTMENT! I MIGHT HAVE A MEAL PLAN SO I MIGHT BE POSTING A FOOD DIARY)⚙️TW⚙️TW⚙️ I truly believe that ana has taken away my ability to eat and function like a normal human being. Everyday feels the same. I don't look forward to the food I eat, I just eat it. I used to be able to eat as much as I wanted and not feel any guilt after a meal. I hope to regain that ability. Ana has given me a lot of urges. Everyday I try and resist the urge to exercise and stand for excessive periods of time. It's strange and I know it makes the people around me feel so uncomfortable. This disorder has taken over my life and I need to recover and win against ana.
Hey ihr Lieben,
Ich setze vorsichtshalber mal ein TW vor den Post, allerdings ist der Post eigentlich mehr ein Update und wie ich weiter machen will. Also, die letzten Wochen lief es nicht gut, gar nicht gut... das Ergebnis: ich hab wieder das Gewicht von vor der Krankenauseinweisung vor 8 Wochen. Ich hab in letzter Zeit immer weiter reduziert und bin an guten Tagen auf maximal 1500kcal gekommen, ich hab jeden Tag das selbe gefrühstückt und zu Abend gegessen, bloß keine Kalorie mehr, als am Vortag. Ich hab jeden Tag gesagt, morgen wirds besser, morgen ess ich wieder mehr. Habs nie durchgezogen. Aber damit ist jetzt Schluss. Ich finde das Bild 👆 super, denn genau so ging es mir. Hab immer gehofft, dass sich was ändert und es mir bald besser geht, aber ohne, dass ich was dafür tu grhts nunmal nicht! Deswegen raff ich mich wieder auf, kämpge dafür, dass alles gut wird!! Heute fang ich an! Zum Frühstück wirds endlich mal wieder Brötchen geben, ausserdem bekommen wir Besuch und meine Mama wird Apfelkuchen backen und es wird Abendessen mit Vorspeiße und Nachtisch geben und ich werde mit essen. Alles. Ich schaff das, das weiß ich. Wie meine weitere Steigerung aussieht kann ich euch morgen gerne in der Story zeigen, ich schreib mir nämlich nen Essensplan. Habt ihr Intresse? Naja also so viel dazu. Nun zu der Seite. Ich werd am Tag mindestens 1x was posten und den Rest den ich esse in die Story stellen, ich hoffe das ist so in Ordnung für euch 🙈 wenn ihr Fragen hsbt, könnt ihr jederzeit fragen, genauso könnt ihr mir Verbesserungsvorschläge oder ideen schreiben, was ich anders machen könnte 😊 würd mich über feedback sehr freuen! Naja jetzt ist aber Zeit schlafen zu gehen, also gute Nacht❤
⚙️TW⚙️TW⚙️ I have extreme body image issues. When this whole fitness idea came about, it was because I felt so uncomfortable and so ashamed about my body. I wanted to lose weight (which I didn't need to do because I was already underweight). I'd be lying if I said social media didn't influence this change, because it did. A lot. I hate my body so much. At the time, I just really wanted to lose weight, so I restricted my meals. I only really had 3 small snacks throughout the day to compensate for the dreaded unknown calorie dinner that I faced at night. I started counting calories (which is one of my biggest regrets), and I barely get 1000 calories a day. There's not one minute of the day where I'm not thinking about food. It's so pathetic and miserable. I just wish I could revert back to my old self. The one who would eat so much and not care at all about body image. I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Super basic yet delicious lunch today! 👅 •Scrambled egg whites (and yeah, I challenged myself to regular ketchup 🍅 (!), as lately I've avoiding certain condiments/sauces for no logic reason 🙃)
•Steamed vegetables- broccoli 🌳 and carrots 🥕 drizzled with lemon juice and soy sauce 😍 •Also had a 'tostada' on the side, because we can't forget our carbs 👍🏼 Today I went to the hairdresser and had a haircut (duh 😂), it wasn't that much of a difference, basically was just a trim, but maaan, my hair feels lighter and healthier ☺
It's Friday, and as always I have super interesting plans of staying home and watch some Netflix with a snack ✌🏼 What are everyone's FriYAY plans? Hope you all are doing great, friends 🤗
And remember, keep fighting and stay strong 💙
been home alone all evening and well I got hdistracted by my phone, messages, yt... I almost forgot to prep pancakes for breakie tmrw. other than that not much happend except the usual #dinner as pictured plus dinner from yday. rather short and weird caption bc I'm #tired and don't want to end up writing bs
How pretty was the sky earlier 😍😍 anyway update on today as quite alot has happened ....
I met with my head of 6th form earlier and because we couldn't get through to anyone in the morning I had to sit with her until 1ish when my nurse finally rang and we decided on a few things:
1. I have to have had at least 1200 cals the previous day to attend the next
2. I must attend alternate day bloods and keep them satisfactory.
3. If I've self harmed or am feeling risky then I have to stay with either her or my tutor and they have to keep eyes on me for 2 school days and,
4. If I'm under the influence of cocaine on any given day then I will be sent home .
Hopefully these rules will keep me safe and in school so we are hoping that they work or they are going to look at having another cpa at school along with the crisis team to draw up another plan. BUT... on a very positive note I did get my appointment through today about my review with psych for my driving license which will be on the 27th and will bring me upto 3 months OD free which is a massive achievement!!!!! Like my head of 6th said earlier though I've worked pretty damn hard to keep OD free and and it shows I really can do it. It's in my court to get better now or im just going round in circles and that probably why I'm so dizzy 😂 but honestly I get what she means as if I turn around and keep going back just because I'm scared of the next step then I'll keep making the same mistakes over and over. Tomorrow I've got the full day to relapse if I want to but I have to think of the consequences before I act on them 😊😊😊😊
okay last post of the day lmao. I can't believe I made it to 18! I really made it. I've been struggling with various mental health issues since I was 13 and there were so many times when my depression got bad and my future seemed so bleak and ending my own life felt like the only option. I've been told by doctors that my body was so weak due to anorexia that I was at risk of death. I always assumed that by 18 I would be dead. But I kept fighting and I kept growing stronger and here I am. I'm fully recovered from my eating disorder, attending school everyday, socialising with my friends etc. I am thriving. And whilst I may not have made a full recovery from depression, I have learnt so many coping strategies over the years that I can use to help me cope when things get overwhelming. so yeah soppy paragraph over loool
Hi angels, it's me again, finally 😏 I feel as though my last post was a bit of a cliff hanger as I told you all I'd be challenging myself only to disappear for 2 days lol 😂 But here I am!! And with this amaaaaazing Bento box I ordered from a Japanese restaurant we ended up going to for my brother's birthday! 🍱
This was challenging in many ways, as it was both unexpected and HUGE and I felt as though I should be doing homework instead but it was so worth it ❤ I was going to get the teriyaki tofu but unfortunately it had fish sauce in it, however I was able to get plain tofu and a spicy dipping sauce on the side which was vegan and it was PENNGGG 🌶🌶🌶 Plus it came with all the essentials aka avocado rolls and fried yams 🍠
I actually nearly ate everything as I was hungry but I allowed myself to stop when I was full and take the rest to go instead of eating it all to just "get it over with" or leaving it behind so I wouldn't need to have it again. It was lit so of course I'll be happy to have it a second time, I don't care what anorexia says 😜 I would've ordered a dessert too but I'd eaten too much rice lol and was stuffed plus they didn't do any vegan desserts 💔
In the end, even if what you're facing right now is hard, there's always a way to get at least a sprinkle of happiness out of it. My mind and my heart were racing but surprisingly I was happy, because I did the very thing my eating disorder told me not to and was triumphant 🎉 Recover for moments like these 💙 xx
MY FIRST INFOGRAPHIC! What do you guys think?🤓😍
I’ve really thought about these ideas when it comes to weighing myself. It has been a full 8 months since I stepped on a scale because I know I still fit more with the red behaviors on the right that tell me not to weigh in!
Weighing in is for one of two things... Checking that what you’ve been doing has worked, OR that the slip ups haven’t set you back. This can set you up for being disappointed by a number and giving up on healthy choices you’ve been making, or continuing on an unhealthy track because negative changes haven’t been reflected by the scale!
Checking the scale a MAXIMUM of once a week can be acceptable if you demonstrate the behaviors that fall on the green left side of my diagram. However, reflecting honestly on the quality of the work you’re putting in at the gym and in your food choices is a MUCH more accurate depiction of your success from week to week💯🍎🏋🏼♀️
So today started off with a lie in followed by putting makeup on and getting changed into NON school uniform lolll.
Then I had an appoitment with Angelia and she advised me to fill in my diary DBT card completely this time as I have my first ‘group session’ Tuesday- meaning it’s been cancelled but I’m the only new person so she’ll do the first session with me then everyone starts group ON THE DAY OF MY DRAMA EXAM (30th November).
I then went to school and did science (which weirdly I understood). Then had form which was shit. But before I went to my dorm room I went to the hub as it’s next door. I spoke to Miss Yule about dropping subjects and asked to have a meeting when things are finalised which is about 2 weeks time I think. Then break which again was shit. The welsh bacc again shit. Then lunch where I pissed about and spoke to my form teacher. Then drama where I freaked out a little and spoke to my drama teacher as she was basically saying we can’t miss any drama lessons until the exam is done. So I made sure I had my exam in the morning and told her I have a appointment from lunchtime down in Bridgend. So that was sorted out. Then had English. I spoke to my English teacher as he was finally in. And he’s gonna help me with my Romeo and Juliet essay as I made him know I wasn’t here to know what to write. Then reassured him that I’m actually trying a lot recently and that I’ve did my Pierre and everyone else in my class hasn’t (BIG FUCKING SHOCK BTW AS IM THE LAST TO GET SOMETHING DONE). So yeah.
Also, anyone else find that stress and focusing a lot with schoolwork is basically about control and then it kinda makes you engage in ed behaviours more as the more you control work the more you want to control eating?? Like is this a normal thing?? Especially if I’m prone to anxiety??
Dinnering tonight was ham and cauliflower pie 😍👌🏻 had such a good day today (although it’s a little nippy out isn’t it?! 😭😭) and I challenged myself big time, and you know what?! I feel okay! I don’t feel that overwhelming wracking guilt that almost stopped me from trying things and having a good day- you have to take a chance, you might surprise yourself, and even if guilt does creep in, which it might later, i just have to focus on the fact that I had a good day, and that that is far more important! Have a good evening lovelies ❤️
New post on the blog (link in bio 👆🏼) with 5 Keys to surviving the holidays.
The holiday season can be hard when there’s such a focus around food and what to wear.
But there’s so much you CAN do to shift the focus away from the eating disorder and towards others, towards gratitude.
Take a read and let me know your thoughts ☃️🎄
afternoon snack: pomegranate seeds and quinoa puffs. i’m feeling kind of down because i might have to start eating my lunch in the nurse’s office at school and yes it’s hard to get through eating lunch but it’s also the time i see my friends in the school day and it would be really sad if that got taken away from me. i guess that’s motivation to make sure i maintain at weigh-in and show that i can be trusted 💕
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, until I checked my phone. After reading a message I received, I felt a bit invalidated and a mixture of sadness and hurt. Even though I recognized that I was letting someone else’s words affect my mood, I did not know how to let it go. Next thing I know I found myself in the bathroom lifting up my shirt, critiquing my body. I started having thoughts of disgust, frustration and anger. The next two hours I obsessed over the thought of my reflection in the mirror and started thinking of ways I could restrict to “fix” my body…until a moment of realization of what I was doing hit me like a ton of bricks. I started thinking, “WHY am I feeling this way all the sudden?? What am I even doing? Yesterday I felt fine with my body and eating and now I find my body unacceptable out of nowhere?” I backtracked the whole morning until I realized I was using my body to cope with the feelings of invalidation and hurt. This uncomfortable feeling triggered me to take out my feelings on my body and internalize the problem on myself rather than deal with what was really going on. I am so used to internalizing my external problems that it is difficult to not fall back into this self-destructing pattern sometimes. Even though this morning showed me how sneakily my eating disorder can creep back into my life, it also showed me the strength and awareness I have acquired through recovery. I am so happy I was able to snap out of my daze and stop myself before anything got any worse. Now it’s time for some self-care and food to nourish my body, mind and soul. (I’m wearing shorts)