The beach is my happy place... (TW)
Honestly the last week or so has been rough with behaviors. I've been engaging in a lot of avoidance, but I've also been counting so like....I know pretty much exactly my intake and I feel like shit about what that number keeps hitting. I'm not binging, but some of the things I'm eating in between restricting are high enough in calories that I'm still getting above the "average adult recommended intake." So then I feel like a failure....like I'm failing at recovery, but also failing at restricting. It was always this thing I could do that I could be proud of in a twisted way, but now I'm scared that I can't do it anymore. That just makes me more motivated every day to say to myself, "Okay, just prove you can restrict 'properly' and then you can invest in recovery." It doesn't work out that way....which is good in terms of maintaining, but not good in terms of actual recovery.
Idk if any of this really made sense, but that's where I'm at right now.
Even if you feel like you have nothing left to give and your heart is in a million pieces on the floor you can get right back off the ground and continue on towards the cross because
Jesus is our strength,
We will make it.
Lets finish well my friends ♡.
Goodnight beautiful warriors!! 🌛💗
Today was an okay day. Definitely not my best day, but I hung in there. My sister is going back to college tomorrow, which really upsets me. She's my only sibling, so when she's gone, it's just kind of lonely around here. On the positive side though, she does visit about every month, so it'll be okay. ---
I had a chipotle bowl for dinner today and I did feel a built guilty as I was eating it. I kept eating though and didn't listen to my ed, and I finished the whole bowl!! Little things like that really make me feel powerful🤗🤗
Anyways, I hope all of you sleep wonderfully tonight. If today didn't go as planned or as well as you would of liked it to, tomorrow is a new day. Hang in there and stay strong like the amazing warrior you are. I love you all so much💗💗
my last meal at home (!!!) 😱
you guys. this. is. wild.
so my last dinner at home was grilled sandwiches with tomato 🍅, fresh mozzarella, and basil 🌿. It was sooooo good 😋
And earlier today I went and got froyo with a friend! #recoverywin because it wasn't planned and I ate all my froyo anyways!! ~~~
Today is my last night at home and tomorrow I move into my dorm and it's honestly so crazy. Surprisingly I haven't been that anxious about it (mainly bc I've been trying to ignore it 😆) but now that it's the night before I can feel the anxiety setting in 😓 I know the worst of it will be tomorrow morning on the drive there. ~~~
Anywhoo I'm off to do the last-minute packing 😬😬 I hope you guys are having SPECTACULAR nights/days because you deserve it and you work SO hard and you are so SO strong and beautiful from the inside out 💖💖
Had such a fun night with @recovering._megan it was my only day binge free this week and i could honestly not be happier 😊 i feel really good tonight and my body image is finally not utter shit so yeah today was amazing and i just hoping tomorrow will be just as good 🤞🏻💖😊
Wow. Idk where to start today!???!? I think I was on this weird euphoric high all day and was extremely wreckless all day and while I was on my date I got into a fender bender and since my emotions were so high I started BAWLING DURING MY DATE. Doesn't stop there!!!!! I crashed it again later and sent him flying forward in his seat AND I STARTED TO CRY AGAIN CAUSE I WAS SO EMBARASSED AND FELT SO BAD 😭😭😭 OUR FIRST DATE. FIRST TIME EVER HANGING OUT. God he must be terrified of me!!!!! Oh well I'm home now. My bf placed this bag of chips next to me while I'm playing my animal crossing and I don't want to open them cause I can literally eat this whole bag!!!!!!!! Ugh anyways gonna try not to open it cause I just don't want to be tempted lol I ate so much during my date. I really hope he wants to see me again ;( #ed#anxiety#eatingdisorder#anorexia#eatingdisorderrecovery#edrecovery#anorexiarecovery#mentalhealth#mentalillness
So I think on some level I have come to the understanding as to why I do not give up certain ED behaviors that would otherwise let me be "normal", do normal stuff. Or at least do it without compensating or freaking out before, during and after.
It is because if I do them and habituate to them and am okay with them...it is like giving up and accepting being "fat" and lazy and so on. At least that is how the ED sees it. Well that is how I see it in an ego-systonic sense too, I suppose.
I feel like now, I do have freer reign to do certain things and not be super anxious...and that in itself is terrifying to the ED. The idea that I could or would want to.
I remember about two years ago thinking I really "gave up" on the ED. But also did figure that might change like times before as well.
So yeah. I am unsure.
At which people that know me are probably wanting to slap me like: ლ(ಠ_ಠლ)
Because on one end they can see how torturous it is too...
At which why am I unsure...
Perhaps because expectation and ideas that I should only be allowed to be happy under certain circumstances. A lot of the last 10 or so years of my life was in a way punishment to myself. Thinking I shouldn't be allowed to be happy or do anything because I had an ED and was "wrong" in almost a martyr sort of way and fueling the ED and you know whatever other cognitive rationalizations...
Now I am kind of like...have to go forward anyways. And realizing I don't have to be unhappy all the time because I "did this to myself" and deserve nothing else in the weird way the ED twisted that....
But...doing "normal" stuff...why does that feel shameful...
Homemade mac & cheese because I really love Fridays & I really, REALLY love me some mac & cheese...🙆 🎉 the only way this could be better: scooby doo shaped noodles 😍 anyone else remember those? Because they were pretty much ✨ amazing ✨ & I think it's a proven fact that those noodles made everything that much cheesier...💃 scooby rocks obviously!
After a pretty stressful and busy week, I'm glad I'm finally back at home 🏠 😪 you guys have no idea how good it feels to be here. Like my mood changes immediately and I feel more relaxed, I love it :) Anddd, I just got home to the good news that my new laptop arrived yesterday! 🙌🏼 so now I'm installing programs and apps to have it actualized 😉 it's super nice and I'm so thankful with my mom for buying me this. I don't deserve it :( However, I made myself dinner/nightsnack to have whilst I finish up this installation thing.
It's a whole wheat anise bread- half with peanut butter and strawberries 🍓, and the other half with cookie butter and blueberries 😋 along with a cup of coffee, obviously!
Hope you guys have had a great day and have a nice sleep 😊 goodnight 💙
Not too shabby for airport food 👌🏼 Stir fry with chicken and veggies! Pretty decent I must say! I'm getting ready for my flight home, and next time I post, I'll be back on the East Coast (rhyme not intended 😉) Good night everyone and happy almost weekend!!!
Food listed last to first
Night snack: hot cocoa made with 6 oz @fairlife whole milk and a @snackapade mint chocolate chip smashmallow. Guys I'm addicted to these 😬
Dinner: grass fed bison burger, fresh green beans, and sautéed zucchini + onions (I ate WAAAY more than pictured)
Afternoon snack: a serving of @cellowhisps Parmesan cheese crisps 😋 (not pictured)
Lunch: BAT 🥓🥑🍅 sandwich sans the avocado because I ran out 😕 but it was still very good. Made with @foodforlifebaking sprouted bread, @thelaughingcowusa light creamy Swiss, and 3 slices of @traderjoes uncured turkey bacon.
This afternoon went pretty well 🙂 My dad took my running partner with him to Montana 🐶💔😔 so I tried taking my puppy on a short walk-jog. Then I looked up the proper age for dogs to start running, which is at least 18 months and she's only 9 months, so I freaked out and called my vet but they said one run wouldn't permanently hurt her 😓
Otherwise food guilt has been pretty strong, but in trying not to think about it. I've didn't skip any meals or snacks, so that's good. Have a lovely night! 💫
Update: had a PB sandwich because I was a bit hungry.
I used to look everywhere for a hero who could ease my inner pain..💥💥
I looked to objects that I would use to hurt myself..💥💥
I looked to food, and the lack of food..💥💥
I looked to exercise and weight loss..💥💥
I looked to this vast nothingness through dissociation..💥💥
I looked to the misuse of medications and numbing myself out..💥💥
I looked to suicide and attempting to end it all..💥💥
I looked to all of these things, and yet I found nothing that ended up helping me. Nothing that didn't cause even more pain in the end. 💥💥
And then I finally found the hero I had been looking for, and I found her in myself. 💥💪👌🙌
As gloomy and exhausting and "why the hell is this happening to me?!" your (my) situation might seem, remember that the clouds won't last forever. .
Your tiredness won't last forever. .
Your thoughts of relapse and picking away at your self-worth won't last forever. .
Your anxiety and depression won't last forever. .
Your shitty thoughts about your body won't last forever. .
Your feelings of doubt and worry won't last forever. .
A brighter day is just beyond all that crap.
A brighter moment comes within your next breath even, if you allow it to. .
Pretty little one, things might feel hopeless and sucky and uncertain right now, but remember you're not alone in those thoughts and they won't consume you for eternity. Stay strong. ❤️
18 August 2017: currently fighting the urge to binge and about to make a cup of teaaaaaaaaaaaa out of my pug mug! Does anyone else watch mukbang to help the binge urge? Or does it have the opposite affect for you? Sometimes it has the opposite affect for me but I'm watching mukbang right now and it's kind of helping 😀 I've decided I will go out to eat tomorrow but I'll make sure to only have a little something in the morning to get my metabolism going and then save the rest of my calories for lunch. I'm feeling really strong right now. I also weighed myself and I've lost 9lbs just from not binging for 3 days which is pretty good even though it's probably just water weight.
For lunch earlier today I had a greens burger (a whole wheat bun with a chickpea veggie pattie, tomatoes, lettuce, and avocado) and sweet potato fries (I had already eaten half of them by the time I remember to take the photo and yes these were "real" fries cooked in oil). Today I have been super productive. I woke up at 6:30am, washed up (washed my face, brushed my teeth, and put in my contacts), did 30 minutes of yoga (I used the app yoga studio), I ate breakfast (the same thing I had in my last picture), went to go pick up my friend, went to calculus boot camp for 3 hours (this is to help people who are taking calculus bc refresh their brain before school so we can start right away), went out to eat for lunch with my friend (ate whats in the picture), went back to my friends house to study for 2.5 hours (I read my summer reading book and took notes. Oh, and I ate two bananas while studying), I went to the grocery store, I watched an episode of game of thrones, I ate dinner (rice, lentils, carrots, and tomstoes) while watching half an episode of married at first sight second chance, ran with my mom (we walked 0.5 warm up, I ran 2.5 miles, and we walked 0.5 miles to cool down), and now I'm eating a snack (a pint of cookie dough halo top) while finishing the married at first sight second chance episode. Guys when I ran today my average pace for the 2.5 miles was 7 minutes and 35 seconds! My first mile was 7 minutes and 15 seconds. I am really proud of this because I was trying to keep a steady pace. So, if I was sprinting I am pretty sure I would defintely get it under 7 minutes and probaly closer to 6 minutes and thirty seconds. I hope all of you munchkins have an amazing night! Stay strong 💪🏼
had a lot of Japanese food today!!🇯🇵me and two others were all eating together but I ended up eating the most. I kind of struggled with it, having just finished my first workout in months and I felt like I was undoing with food but I remembered I need to replenish my energy after using it up for exercise!!
food was a sushi box, rice bowl, salmon onigiri, a dish w meat and rice that I can't remember the name of, spam musabi and mango mochi! it was all really good, even if it hurt my teeth. I had a sip of soda but that's still such a huge fear food of mine that I don't think I'll have it again😂
Hey guys! Today has been such a SUCCESSFUL challenge! Today was a day I ACTUALLY worked out for my 1.5 hour time block. 💪🏻 It's even something not so nutritious night, so that's HUGE. I'm SO determined to heal my relationship with training and food that NOTHING is going to stop me. I'm holding myself accountable, as I have too many people relying on me to make it. I've got this! I spent my evening doing a few head/handstands, prepping dinner, showering, and am now ready for some dinner! Shockingly enough, I think I'm hungry? 🤷🏻♀️ That NEVER happens when it comes to dinner. BUT, I'm not complaining! I'm having: baked chicken breast (in @traderjoeslist 21 Seasoning Salite), baked potato cubes (in salt, pepper, garlic powder, cayenne, and parsley), steamed green beans, and sriracha for the top! 👅💦🔥 This is going to be so good! I haven't been forcing myself to drink LOADS of water this week, and I've noticed myself being genuinely hungry, 1000x less bloated, and feeling better overall! I still drink a TON of water, but too much was literally drowning myself. 😅 Not going to lie, I'm really f***ing proud of myself. Not to toot my own horn, but I have seriously set my mind to recovering and haven't ever been so ready, yet so scared all at the same time. 🙅🏻 I have eaten all the meals and snacks I'm supposed to, including my protein shakes, cheese slice, and prune. I haven't snuck any workouts, but I have gone over my time limit a few times. IM TRYING. 👊🏻 Tonight is Oreo cake and y'all KNOW I'm going to eat as much as my little heart pleases. I sit on the floor, I like it okay, and pick at the cake at my pace, my time, and I LOVE IT. This is what recovering entails. This is what will heal me, and it hasn't made ANY negative physical changes thus far, so why would it now? This workout decrease is nothing but essential for a happy body and mind. I have got to eat it to beat it! ❌ I'll put SNSN up on my story tonight, as always! 😛 #edrecovery#eatittobeatit#eatgoodfeelgood#fuelyourbody#foodisfuel#nofearfoods#healthyeats#gainingweightiscool#byebyeanorexia#nodisorderedthoughts#morechiaplease
warm chocolate cake topped with Cadburys chocolate with some vanilla ice cream. YUM. Been away for a week, well, I haven't posted for a week. Still unsure as to what to do with this account, I was thinking of maybe making it a bit more personal? I'm not sure... anyway, yesterday I hit my lowest ever weight of 83.2lbs / 37.73kg. I am not in a very good place, I feel unwell and just weak and tired constantly. I'm just so fed up of living like this, forever saying "today is the day" or doing well for a week then falling back again. Well hopefully this will be the worst I ever get. I can't let myself get any worse. I won't. I don't know how I am going to get better, but I HAVE to. I have to do this. We are going camping this weekend for 4 days, and that means lots of amazing food along with amazing company. I'd love to enjoy all the food, whatever I want, as much as I want, without worrying at all. I hope I can. I want to, I waste too much of my life worrying. I know this camping trip will be amazing, I just hope I don't let myself get too caught up in my own head. I need to get my passions back, find my love for he things I used to love again, so I focus less on food and worrying all the time. Anyway, for now let's admire how beautiful this cake and ice cream is 😋
Today's lesson to self:
Just because you CAN, does NOT mean you should.
I get really wrapped up in thinking that if I am not pushing myself 110% all of the time, it isn't enough. I feel like if I'm not going full force with everything I have at every run, every workout, every everything, may as well not even do it at all. Which is bullshit. It is a very black and white way of thinking that I've been working on since childhood.
Fact: 110% full force all of the time = guaranteed injury. I've been having a knee thing lately... And in truth, there's a very high chance it is from doing too much, too soon. I CAN do it but it doesn't mean it is a good idea for long-term goals.
Today I had no goal with a number attached to it. Today's goal was to slow down, work on form, walk if needed, and end the run when my body told me to. I stopped for water, took pictures of plants along the way, and trotted next to the turkeys on the trail.. Literally. They are not afraid of people whatsoever, they do not share, and they're extra sassy... And at 9 miles, I decided to call it good enough. Could I have gone harder, better, faster stronger? ...doesn't matter and no one cares... except for my knees. And they're thanking me.
Keep floating my friends 🙏
Heya, guys! Finally the weekend. Oh my gosh, this has been a long week. I've taken a nap twice in the past three days. I NEVER take naps. That should give you an idea of how tired I am.😅 I spent some time with one of my best friends yesterday, and we went on a hike and talked. It really helped my mood. I'm trying to decide what steps to take next. And I keep worrying that I made the wrong decision with that job. But it's done, and all I can do is look forward. Hunger is coming back, which is freaking me out big time. But I'll stop rambling now.😂 Anything you all have planned for the weekend? 🙌
Friday nights look a little different these days than they used to!
Went walking at the park, introduced #BaxterBoyandBaylieGirl to some new friends, now home with Netflix, an apple, and a charcoal mask all while returning messages to women who want to get started on a healthy lifestyle journey. •
Love that I get to live life on my terms and help people!! So if you are looking for some help and inspiration to kick off your healthy lifestyle journey or just want a Friday night charcoal mask buddy, hit me up! I'm here to help [or hang]!
Wow I'm so great at taking non blurry pics :)))) anyway part of breakfast was this match and red bean bread. Yes I'm gluten intolerant but I figure here it's ok for me to deal with the consequences because I don't really have anything important to do (that a minor reaction would stop me from). Also I think Chinese bread is way easier on the stomach although that could just be me 😝
Terrified Of The Next Chapter
Whenever I feel like my head is going to explode because of all the thoughts running through it I journal. I grab my notebook and pencil and just let all the thoughts flood out of my head and onto the paper. I don't hold anything back when I am writing, I want to address everything, even if it is making me have intense emotions
Tonight's emotions consisted of anxiety, sadness, and a feeling of being overwhelmed. I leave for college in 6 days. While I am so excited I am also terrified. I worry about making friends. I worry about holding my accountable. I worry about if my roommate will like me and we will get along. I worry about being away from my support system that was so close before. I know they are still a call or a drive away, but there is something scary about starting a new chapter in my life
To help myself with my emotions I tell myself what I would tell others. I would tell others that it is perfectly ok to be anxious about starting a new chapter in your life. Is exciting but also scary. It's a change in environment. You have create a new safe space. You have to meet new people and they are probably just as nervous as you. Keeping yourself accountable can be hard but you've done it before and you can do it again. Remember you are the one who controls how the story goes
I am determined to make this a positive chapter in my life. Yes there will be challenges but I have the skills and support I need to get through my toughest points. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to have anxiety. It's okay to express your emotions, it is what makes you human
Tonight's song is Praying by @iiswhoiis . It always helps me feel empowered again and that I can get through anything. I CAN do this 💪🏼
Appreciation post to ma main girl Caitlin. This girl every body has gotten me through some of my toughest times in here. And I've done the same. But she truely is one in a million and I don't know where I would be with out her. You get me through every single meal even though it's only FaceTime. I love your infectious laugh, and our crazy dances I can't wait to get out and try again so we can go back to having meals together and maybe try some fear foods love ya like heck. #anorexicworriors#edrecovery#loveya#niceface 😂😂✌🏼