@Regranned from @bpd_living_not_existing - Ever wonder what others see? Whether they are fooled by the "I'm doing much better" and "I'm just tired today" lines? Whether they sense that in reality you're dying inside and using every last ounce of energy you have to keep the mask in place? 🌹 Why do we do this? Who are we protecting? Why are we protecting them from our pain? Afraid of bring judged? Possibly. But when you're so tired of fighting that concern often disappears. Is it because seeing our own pain reflected back at us in someone else's eyes would be too much to bear? 🌹
#depression#anxiety#scars#whoami#bpd#borderlinepersonalitydisorder#eupd#emotionallyunstablepersonalitydisorder - #regrann
Texting with bpd is hard! Because when no tone or a neutral tone is present, we tend to mistake that for anger! I’ve made strides with my therapy and learning how not to assume everyone is angry. But it’s hard. Thankfully, I’ve got loads of experience to look back on to say “ok, they’re probably not angry.” These thoughts have to be challenged or they will rule you! I spent so long living in fear of what other people would say. I didn’t know how to interpret tones correctly. But through hard work I’ve learned, and so can you!
Why push so hard for a bpd diagnosis? Well, before I had heard of bpd, I was a mess. I was constantly exploding or imploding with anger. I could hardly keep it all inside of me. It would slip put around the one I cared for, and it would hurt me to see them hurt. Then I learned what bpd was, and it all added up. The DSM criteria fit me perfectly. So why did I end up arguing with therapists about it if I fit the description so perfectly? It’s a lack of knowledge about the disorder. It’s the stigma against us. Therapists don’t want us. Or understand us. I had a therapist tell me bpd was the criteria for npd. Which are two very different illnesses. So I will fight to bring awareness of this disease, because suffering with unknown bpd is an eternal hell.
Been focusing so much on the negative lately really unhealthy mental health attitude as I expect and assume things to be a bad thing or that bad things will happen, like a broken record on repeat.
Today I tried harder and had a really great evening where I saw a lightray tear through the darkness, I need to stick to this feeling and remember what love, life and happiness is really about and start more forward rather than back. I can and I will do this.
I've made so much progress with my weight, diet, goals, relationship, friendships and activism and mental health over the past year that I really need to focus on the good rather than the bad.
My goals for this year are
Stay with and continue to make the girl that has truly shown me a new passion and light for my life, someone as rare as antimatter and precious as diamonds. I never thought I could get so close to someone in such a short time.
Get back into my regular routine at the gym or at least get out skating more, it's been a terrible time of year for skating.
Learn more 3d modelling and animation so that I can maybe have it as a future pathway.
Get back into regular activism, the animals need us more then we need them and I need to get back out fighting the good fight.
Continue to work in my BPD and to stay separate from my diagnosis so that it doesn't become me again. Bpd may be the reason for the way o do things but I am not my bpd.
IMPORTANT remember that past doesn't repeat itself and that I need to keep my present and future separate from my past. In every aspect my life is better now and heading in the best direction I've ever had, stop letting my dead ends ruin it.
Thank you to my wonderful girlfriend Beth for sticking by me and giving me reassurance, love and happiness even though sometimes I don't deserve it ❤. Thank you to my friends and family for always making an effort to understand and having patience with me. (I really needed to vent on Insta like I used to)
“Be a warrior.”
When I’m in a neutral phase bipolar wise, that’s when BPD really loves to come out and play. The mood swings are so strong. One minute I’m laying in bed feeling completely empty, and the next I’m dancing around my room as I’m doing the laundry, elated. It takes a warrior to deal with life with BPD. No one seems to know how to handle those chronic feelings of emptiness healthily. We try to fill the void inside us with whatever we’ve got. For me, I use social media. But last night, when the emptiness was at its worst, I put down my phone and started to read. It was surprising how the emptiness lifted. I read about mindfulness and got some meditation tips, which is good because I’m tired of only being able to use the same few meditations on the apps that just want my money. So now, I’m giving up the apps and meditating on my own.