2015 // 2017
(This may not stay up for long. I have an issue posting old pics of myself.)
It’s #transawarenessmonth and this is important. I might make a video especially because it’s also my 6 mon post op as well.
Now that I’ve become more “passing” I do not feel the need to post as much and share my journey. I felt the need today.
I sometimes hate my “old self” but I am coming to terms that “she” made the decision to let me be myself. I made the hardest decision of my life and let myself be who I have always dreamt of being and who I truly am. While it was my hardest decision it was my best decision. I thank others a lot for supporting me but fuck, I really never thanked myself because it hurt. A lot. I gave up a lot and I lost a lot - only to gain so much more.
I have really bad days sometimes. My dysphoria gets to the point where I freak out and think that I look how I did 2 years ago and have to touch my chest or look in a mirror to reassure myself.
At the end of the day I have done everything I told myself I could never do. I am not the person in the first picture and I am able to be myself. The mistakes I’ve made in the past are ones I do not identify to my current self and the ones I make in the future I know will be ones I have made as my true self and with my true heart and mind.
I know that who I present myself as is my true self and I can put myself more positively into the world knowing that.
Thank you for reading.
Ok but honestly I love my cat so much, it sounds cliche but I can’t imagine her not being here, she’s grown up with me and honestly one of the most caring and loyal beings I have ever met, she has such a distinct personality and she’s great I love her, I’m not getting emotion over my cat you are
I feel ashamed of myself. Everyone’s freaking sorry. I just stabbed my wrist and my sister is freaking making me angry. I never did this ever. A ruler freaking doesn’t count I had a scissor now I have to wear a sweatshirt to cover up my self. Why am I not sorry. O can’t take it . I freaking rubbed and I had the worst feeling ever. I had a bracelet to help stop and I lost it someone took it they wool it for there own. Help me and don’t tell me it’s gonna be okay. Tell me who you are mad what your problems are I don’t want to hear mine anymore. I rubbed a blanket. I stopped then started because I got a feeling. A bad feeling that was gonna kill me and now it is. Help. No one takes that seriously anymore. Help. I in desperate need of help. I’m not gonna respond. How is school gonna work? I can’t go there anymore. All I can do is write. I can’t speak. Speaking makes me feel weak. And that hurts I’m already weak. Why more? I’m freaking afraid of pain, it’s. A phobia but when that scissor hit me. I didn’t feel anything. My OCD is kicking in . Help. I am in Desperate need of it. Stop calling people fags and open up your fucking mind and get ready. Why does hashtags matter, they say it’s all for the likes and views well fuck it I don’t care. I want supposed to stop cursing. I feel like I’m floating. I’m rocking back and forth like a fucking sailboat. Help that all I need, help from far land and sea
Smallest pair of pants I’ve purchased in a long time. I’m feeling really proud of myself and the things I’ve achieved over the last month. I’m trying to focus more on the small gains and not focus so much on the long road. Slowly learning to love myself for the first time in my life.
But to top it all fucking of, not only do I have my physical self, I loath everything else that makes me who I am, I’m so annoying and sensitive and hypocritical and never realistic and shit to be around, I expect too much, I just constantly piss people of and I don’t think I can think of anyone who is worse than myself. I genuinely feel sorry for the people who have to be around me I’m such a fucking waist of space , I just wish I was never fucking born lmao
The other day I got misgendered and it really punches you in the stomach when you haven’t in in so long, and the worst part is I felt really good that day I thought I looked really masculine, I’m so self conscious about everything and it’s a big struggle, there’s been days where I’m unable to speak because I can’t face the own sound of my voice and I’m just so fucking fed up
Ugh I hate myself so much I’m so chubby I need to go to the gym but we haven’t got enough money yet and I have tried eating healthily and as well as Feeling so god damn dysphoric and I just can’t stand my own body and mind, why can’t I just function and do what others do instead of being like this
Protože mi je často od starších gayů vytíkano že se oblíkám jako.
'' kunda,, Vždy ale po přidání nějaké fotky kde mám na sobě něco chlupatého se pak strhne lavina zpráv od různých pasivních a vers přátel kde jsem sehnal ten chlupatý svetr, vestu, bundu a zda je to i v jiných barvách
Na základě toho jsem se rozhodl zeptat se 50ti různě starých pasivních a vers přátel za by si oblíkli někdy stejnou vestu jako já
Případně jinou podobnou a jestli by s ní chodili ven 38 z 50 tazaných odpovědělo že ano z toho 26 že by ji nosili běžně po městě i do práce 🦄🤔 🙈 🙊🙈