So the next time there will be a lot of trauma therapy, I do this because I hope it will help me to do the things I want to do in the future. To live the life I want to live. Not without my mental illness, because it won't go away, but not being ruled by it.
So I have to accept that this will be a time with not that much "normality"; anyway - fuck normality @stasiagoesgreen ☺😙 To be more stable, to help myself, to don't have to run away any longer. For not running away an longer I have to turn around and show myself I can face all the things and therefore learn that I am strong enough.
I started to look inside and it takes a long time, really long, longer than you ever thought and it's hard to understand for me and the ones around me, because when you look inside it gets worse, although it has been bad for such a long time, and I don't know how long this will take, there's so much to not run away from any longer. But this is my way, this is my hope, because trying to be normal, to just have a normal life.. it made me wanna kill myself again and again, it worked for a time, then I crashed down, because I was only running away; trying to be stable enough for everyday life, but not looking inside where the traumas still are living.
The first time I decided to see inside there were things showing themselves, I finally got the right diagnosis, it explained so much and why the other therapies didn't work, so now I am on my way and I know it's right.
It was ME deciding this. It's always the decisions I make only by myself, not thinking about what others might think of it. It's always these decisions that are the best for me, it's hard, because others often wanna make you do sth different, tell you what is right and what's not. Not because they are against you, they only want the best for you, but often one thinks what is best for you is also best for others. It's not. Everyone is different.
So look inside and feel what is best for YOU.
Writing in English or German, really can't decide 😅 Found this text I wrote in Denmark and want to share it with you. Note to myself: Read your own texts. Because I was so suicidal, thinking I am a failure and couldn't see it as a symptom just a little time later.
Today I thought about not feeling ill, but a failure. I stood in the ocean (yes, IN the ocean) and only saw the endless water and the sky - it's incredible, it's like telling me what's inside of me.
I often don't think that I need that much help others think I need. My therapists. Because I don't feel 'ill'. Yes, I feel bad often, I crash often, but it's hard to see this as a part of an illness. So even when there are 100 things others would identify as a symptom of my illness - I see it as a part of me, like "That's just me" - it can be so normal I hardly recognize it as a symptom.
Sometimes it's hard to know what is you and what is your mental illness. But if you don't feel like being ill but being you with all this shit - it's hard to get help, because you don't think you need it. Even if I am suicidal as hell for example and I spent the last half year inpatient, often in the locked ward, I don't feel ill or if it's that serious.
It helps me a lot to not feel ill all the time, so I don't always think about it. But on the other hand I always wanted to be normal, I wanted a normal life so badly - so everytime I felt bad or crashed I wanted to get rid of myself, feeling like a failure and not possible to see this as a symptom of my illness.
Sometimes I don't understand it myself.
My therapist once said to me I am a happy person. And I was like "What??", but she is right, deep inside of me I am a happy person that loves to live and explore, this is just hard to see.
I can't really separate my mental illness from my personality, it's been there ever since. I think it's important to accept parts of it and not fight it all the time, but it's also important not to identify with it, because then you don't feel ill, but a failure.
While focusing on trauma therapy it's important to have counterweights (dunno if this is right in engl). Because I am not my mental illness; but also it belongs to me.
If you have food in your fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep - you are richer than 75% of the world. If you have money on your bank, some money in your wallet - you are among the top of the 8% world's wealthiest. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness - you are more blessed than the million people who will not survive this week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the agony of imprisonment or torture, or the horrible pangs of starvation - you are luckier than the 500 million people alive and suffering. So keep this in your mind and stop complaining about the little things that may not work like you want them to. Be grateful for what you have and enjoy your live. Love, laugh and travel as much as you can. You just have this one life. Remember yourself that you're enough and let no one ever bring you down. Go your way and stop explaining to anyone. They may not understand the way you decided to go but they don't have to. ☝🏻#deepthoughts#brownhair#blueeyes#begrateful#quoteoftheday#blackandwhite#smile#redlipstick#truewords#liveyourlife#goyourway#blackcoat#mindset#neverregret#itsyourlife#quotes
This happened to me many times. Once upon a time, I loved someone, a friend. When I talked to that friend they would calm the storms that were happening in my heart and mind. One day the friend stopped speaking to me. Didn't give me a reason. Just stopped. It wasn't until recently that I realized that there is healing in our letting go. (of people, thoughts, ideas etc). The thought of doing so is very triggering. Lol. But when you do you also see how beautiful wings really are. We were born to fly. To float. To levitate. When we let go, both of us have the opportunity to find and to use our wings. 💙🦋#Healer#healing#Love#Godis I Still don't like #Sagittarius , jk I do. Lol #GoYourWay#Higher#Lighter#Lifted
Believe in love. Remember every morning when you get up and every night before you go to bed. This is your life. You have the choice. Look always with your heart ❤️ Don't care what others think. They may say you're a dreamer- who cares! Don't be in a hurry! May be he comes late! Wait for him. Be relaxed- don't be impatient- otherwise you get the wrong one. Wait for him - but go your way. I did! Suddenly he was there. And it felt right. #believeinlove#goyourway#lookwithyourheart#hawaii#wedding#myweddingdressatno13frontrow#aloha
THE BODY ACHIEVES WHAT THE MIND BELIEVES
Ich vermute dieser oder ähnliche Sprüche schmücken täglich dieses Social Network. Menschen die versuchen ein Vorbild zu sein, ein gutes Bild abzugeben, ein bisschen "Fame" zu bekommen oder Leute die wirklich eine Botschaft vermitteln wollen. Ich bin mit diesem Post also vermutlich nur einer von vielen, doch das ist okay. Ich will damit gar nicht unbedingt eine Botschaft überbringen, ein gutes Bild von mir vermitteln, "Fame" werden (😂) oder ein Vorbild sein, nein. Ich möchte euch einfach erzählen was dieser Spruch für mich bedeutet. In den letzten 2 1/2 Jahren hat sich extrem viel in meinem Leben verändert, vor allem ich selber. Ich habe meine Einstellungen, meine Ansichten, Ziele und sogar meine Persönlichkeit vollkommen gedreht, verbogen und geknickt. Ich kann von mir behaupten ein neuer Mensch zu sein.
Klar sind meine Grundeinstellungen und Persönlichkeitsmerkmale gleich geblieben, doch meine Einstellungen und Ansichten zu viel Dingen haben sich Grund auf geändert. Inzwischen weiß ich mehr denn je wer ich bin, in Zukunft sein will und wo ich in Zukunft stehen möchte. Ich weiß genauer denn je was meine Ziele sind, und wie ich diese erreichen möchte 💪🏻
Die Weichen sind gesetzt, nun muss ich daran arbeiten zu erreichen was ich mir vorgenommen habe. Mein Kopf weiß es bereits und mein Körper wird nachziehen. Ich werde erreichen was ich mir vorgenommen haben, eben einfach weil ich genau weiß das ich es auch wirklich will 🙏🏻
Damit genug für heute von mir, ich hoffe ihr hattet ein schönes Wochenende und konntet den Sonntag genießen ☺️
Morgen startet eine neue Woche in der wir für unsere Wünsche und Ziele kämpfen können, also schlaft später gut und startet morgen entspannt aber voller Kraft in die neue Woche 😊