I literally can’t explain to you the amount of sad, empty, tired, or even happiness I have been feeling over the past month.. October is a rough month for me I am beginning to realize.. weather changes, school starts, anniversary of my sickness, just so many things at once. Plus I always tend to catch a cold around this time, which triggers my anxiety & depression.. I just don’t know though, something about this feels so different.. this has been lasting longer than normal.. I don’t want to change my meds, but I also don’t know how long I should wait until I go see my doctor again... ugh.. I just wish this pain would go away.. 😭💔 I recorded myself like this because my personal account, is all happiness and positivity.... this however is the side of me no one sees and I feel like everyone would ignore and not want to see because the truth behind mental illness hurts and is brutal. •#mentalillness#Sadness#crying#tears#depression#anxiety#faceofdepression#faceofanxiety
Join us in the movement to bring light into the darkness of addiction and Go Egg Yourself! . . .
The egg cracking symbolizes instant enlightenment and acceptance of things you may not understand. We are losing loved ones at a rapid rate and something needs to change and it all starts with us, the foot soldiers! So let’s all join the movement and be the change. . . .
Please share our video and make one of your own! Get creative and be the voice of those who are no longer with us and those who are suffering silently. We’re not being quiet anymore. By speaking up we will take away the shame surrounding addiction and light up the world. Now start chirping and #GoEggYourself !
Many hours later, personal statement for law school has been written. My God writing about accomplishments and humble bragging is fucking hard. Especially to do it speaking eloquently and not sarcastic or swearing. 🙄
It's now been sent off to some of my good friends to proofread and give me some honest feedback. Also hate doing that but that's how I'll get the best paper, more input from people who are smart af!
Also ate Thai food for dinner, forget what it was called, but I picked spicy - it was not spicy in the slightest, had to add chilies, Siracha and hot sauce. But I ate it, didn't purge, had my evening snack too - so all winning today recovery wise!
Tomorrow I'm in an all day work meeting and then will probs go back to the library to fill out applications. I friggin love that place! I can get focused, bust out to music and get shit done!
Also wrote out my food logs for the weekend, including my 1 bp episode. Fuck that was awful to write out and I'm sure it'll be more awful to talk about, but I want to put this illness behind me and recover for good. I'm capable of way more than eating and barfing as a stress coping mechanism, to put it bluntly 😂
Heading to bed now I'm so exhausted and tomorrow is going to be a long day!
6 days to application deadline for Canadian schools (and also to vacation) - coincidence? I think not!
The worst thing about mental illness is that it’s invisible. It’s literally all in your head, impossible to distinguish from your own normal thoughts.
My illness leaves me careening from bouncing off the walls to wanting to die, and yet since I can’t see it, I question if it’s really there. If I were bleeding and broken, I’d know I was sick, even if I felt fine. If my lipase was at 1200 (#memories ) and I was confined to a hospital bed for weeks, I would think I had an illness. Instead, I feel and look fine. Sometimes I question if I am really ill.
Mental illness is just as real and destructive as physical illness, and yet even I don’t treat it as such. It ruins relationships, makes you feel like death, and requires treatment. It’s not something to be brushed off.
I dream of a world where mental and physical illnesses are treated the same. As in “sorry, I can’t come to the party tonight - my bipolar’s acting up.” I want for us to remove labels like “crazy,” or “nutjob” and realise that “sick” is a better descriptor.
It’s so, so hard to seek treatment for an invisible illness, especially in a day and age where mental illness is so heavily stigmatised. Sickness of the mind is like sickness of the pancreas, or spleen or anything else. It doesn’t make you any more different, and it definitely doesn’t make you crazy.
I drew this for a young girl who doesn’t have someone to tell her that everything will be okay. Sometimes you just need a reminder that A) you are sick and B) you can overcome it. ❤️💪 #mentalillness#art#motivation#reminder#sketch#watercolour#sign#floral#bipolar#sickness#battle#lovelife
We are lucky to have @raena4006 of @lira_dance_co and Balleraena Dance Studio on the Dancing with the Sioux Falls Stars team again this year! This talented woman is choreographing the opening number featuring all of the couples and then another special dance that will be debuted the night of the Third Annual Dancing with the Sioux Falls Stars at @thedistrictsf@on November 4. It's going to be quite special! #DancingWithTheSFStars#mentalillness#celebritydancers#professionaldanceinstructors
This is me tonight – somewhat relieved, but simultaneously still anxious.
I had my Psychology of Addictions midterm this morning, and I’m relieved it’s over, however, that doesn’t mean that all of my worries are gone. That’s the power of dialectics. You can have two opposing truths – in my case, relief and anxiety.
Today, I’m trying to appreciate both, because both anxiety and relief are important. In fact, all emotions are important, even the ones that seem terrible and painful and overwhelming.
We have to feel everything to feel anything, so, here I am tonight, trying to embrace it all. 💛
Sometimes knowing that you have the skills to care for your loved one can be daunting. Looking for reinforcement that you know what you're doing? There are a number of amazing first aid courses available throughout the country and here are some of our fave: @tinyheartsfirstaid @realfirstaid @kidsfirstaid Depending on where you live some of them are even fully funded! 📷 via @tinyheartsfirstaid #LDDreamBig#TipsandTricks#YoungCarers#LittleDreamersAU
🚫 Not Trying To Brag! Bought These With My Own Money!!! 🚫
This is Kaine! He is a male who is shy, a bit fidgety and paranoid he has an anxiety disorder and schizophrenia. But even though he has those mental illnesses he is still a big hearted person ❤❤ Also question I wanted to a add kind of a stalkerish character to my collection should the stalker character be a dachsund, short hair or collie and should they be a male or female? -
To most people this may look like just a bottle of NYQUIL. It helps you sleep when you are sick. Today, in the pharmacy I had a major flashback. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
In my worst anorexic days, I refuse to take this cold medicine, which I knew would help me feel better and get a good nights sleep, because I was afraid of the calories in it. I even remember one time I tried googling how many calories were in NYQUIL... I think back now at how absolutely ridiculous that was. But in the moment that's the only thing I was consumed by. Consumption of calories (or lack there of). •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Tonight, before I go to sleep, as I somehow managed to get sick for the second time in two weeks- I'm going to take that NYQUIL without even a second thought and sleep like a BABY.
One of my best friends wrote a blog tonight talking about all the win's in your life. (@proseccoandplaidblog Go give her a follow!!) SO I'm choosing to celebrate this as a WIN for me. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
What wins are you wanting to celebrate today!? 💕
From Hero to Homeless: Never spent a holiday with my dad, except the time he showed up to take me to the 7-11 for Christmas. Never really knew when his birthday was, although I guess I always knew it was sometime in December. Definitely would always console myself with the fact that at least I didn't have to worry about Father's Day. But then comes the #deathiversary . It is a thing. And, it's the day I'm reminded of when the first conversation with him finally happened-- after he was gone. Link in bio @angelmjames for a reminder on how NOT to act when someone is showing all the signs that's something's wrong that's way more than just bad behavior. Posting this only in the hopes that it'll shine the light on someone else's pain. Pain you can't see because you're so buried in your own...
All last week I've been sharing posts about MHE in hopes of educating the world about this incurable rare disease; today's post is for the souls who LIVE with MHE. I know you're tired; I know you're so tired of the pain. I know you're so tired of watching life go by while you are stuck in a constant state of recovery. The thing is, MHE is not a death sentence on a fulfilling life. You have the power to turn your pain into fuel and use that fuel to make a difference. What was once my greatest shame is now my greatest pride. You were literally made to stand out, but not in a bad way. You are not a freak, you are not disgusting, you are not worthless. There is not a single soul who shares your struggles, stories, and scars. In a world where everyone is the same, YOU are 1 in 7.5 BILLION. You are a WARRIOR. And you are not alone. This week I have met so many amazing warriors that I am honored to be amongst them; I want to challenge you all to share your stories. The world needs to hear and know exactly what life is like with MHE. Post a collage of your double life and tag me in any post or picture you may post about MHE. Together, let's show the world how strong an MHE warrior truly is 💜
To say I am excited to interview my new friend Claire from @thetidylifeproject is an understatement!!! Click the link in my bio and request to join and watch our live interview on my Facebook Group: The Anxiety Peer Support Group this Thursday at 4pm Eastern time. •
I don't know if you are like me but I have such a hard time organizing my belongings. Everything is everywhere and there is hardly organization or order to my things. It then gives me even more Anxiety knowing there is so much work to be done to clean and sort through everything. I feel awful for getting overwhelmed. The chaos in my home really then transfers over to the chaos in my mind. •
Finding Claire on Instagram and seeing how much her Anxiety improved after she organized her belongings and got order in her life made me want to learn more! If I am struggling with this, then maybe someone else is too! •
So please stay tuned for our live interview where she will teach us how to become more organized and how it can positively impact our mental health and happiness! She makes it therapeutic and fun and I cannot wait to finally make this positive change in my life. •
If this is something that you struggle with too please comment below❤
sitting on the floor with a pillow....just wanting to cry and scream out my pain and hurt myself as horribly as i can but not being able to express any of it 😢 i feel it all pent up in me with no way out...i’m too numb and it makes me anxious bc i know what i can do to myself if i snap 😞 i’ve been really tired and depressed all day..i’ve held it back well but as usual the evenings are the worst 😔 idek anymore. i feel like everything is against me. why do i screw up everything..why can’t i do a thing right 😞 no wonder people always want to control me. they always say i’m incapable of doing anything myself..i’m useless..the only way i can do anything is if i act weak and make ppl feel bad for me and do it for me 😔 which isn’t true..it isn’t an act...i’m just so tired of living i don’t have the energy to care enough to do things. my life is basically feeling depressed all day and trying to stop the thoughts from overwhelming me..i’m always happy when i’m with my gf but whenever we’re apart i struggle to hold myself together 😞 i’m sorry i’m so needy i guess 😔 idk what i’m saying anymore i’m sorry for being a mess i’m sorry for everything i’ve done wether i realize it or not..just my existence hurts people 😞 i’ll stop..i’m always so negative sorry 😔 i hope you all have a good night 🌌✨
Today I decided I was going to be kind to myself. And boy am I grateful I did.
I let myself stay in bed a little later. I went to office hours for help. I ate appropriate amounts at appropriate times. I got four hours of studying and homework accomplished. I ran because I had anxious energy. I stopped running when I got tired. I walked the rest of the way home. I showered and put on clean clothes. I had dinner with friends. I let myself have the night off of school work. And through all of today, I spoke to myself kindly. When I embarrassed myself, I shrugged it off instead of calling myself an idiot. When I stopped running I said I was tired, not lazy. When I ate my meals, I said it’s necessary to eat—I’m not a pig. When I felt lonely, I reminded myself that I have close friends and family that love me even if we’re not in constant contact; I’m never truly alone; I’m not unloveable (& neither are you).
Tldr: be kind to yourself. Don’t chalk up every little negative thing to be your fault or a flaw you hold. Speak to and of yourself kindly. “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to your body [and/or yourself], you’d have no friends left at all.” I am grateful I let myself breathe and just be today.
Snack-a-lackin' earlier this week on free food from the tennis shop. .
I'm still learning old wounds open up
And the bandages unwind,
And sometimes bandaids can't cover up what someone has left behind.
I'm learning time can heal wounds
And everyone has them, they're not special
Whether it takes days months or years
I'm trying to fit healing into my schedule.
But it's hard to spend time healing a wound
From bleeding and suppurating
When most of my time is spent with someone whose presence is suffocating.
My wounds need to breathe
But when you're around I have to hide them,
I'm afraid you'll get mad that I've been so hurt
Even though you're the one who supplied them.
You've never addressed my wounds
Or thought for a moment that you were the cause
You ask me why I look so sad
But can't see my spirit is covered in gauze.
I have been internally bleeding
And my heart is ridden with cysts
I tell you I've forgiven you
But I speak those words with two clenched fists.
I speak those words with eyes shut
With lips pursed and stomach queasy,
I'm telling you forgiveness is so important
But it definitely does not come easy.
When you continue to do me wrong
It's hard to not a hold a grudge,
I cannot put up my white flag
The linen has been stained with my blood.
They say time will heal these wounds
But you hurt me time and time again
And I'm left here wondering how God forgave the whole world of their sins.
Admittedly I haven't been to the gym in about two months. Initially it was because of my new job leaving me a time conflict with just one car between us, but now it's slowly becoming the beginning of my winter depression. I took these pictures about 4 years ago... I was so unhappy with myself, I wouldn't wear a two piece on the beach and I still wouldn't wear shorts. I felt huge. I was unhappy with how big my thighs were. You could tell by the mess around me that I wasn't doing well mentally. Now I wish I could be this "fat" 😂 my boyfriend was kind enough to pay for me to have a membership at a #crossfit box!!! I'm terrified! But excited. Heres to new chapters and beating the winter blues #fitfam#personal#weightloss#weightlossmotivation#mentalillness#fitnessforme#fitnessjourney#weightlossjourney
(bit of a trigger warning in third picture!!)
i am more than one person at once
whether it’s the lack of medication in my system when i skip on my meds,
or the different sides of creativity in me begging for art
i’m finally writing again after words screaming in my head like children, begging to be written
it feels freeing to finally put the words and voices on paper
sometimes i have too many thoughts to write
lists beyond lists of things i should be doing and want to be doing and ideas i have for a place that is yet to be created
an energy deep within my bones that sometimes i have to walk away from to absorb.
i have a love hate relationship with writing
it tears me apart and fuels me
shreds me to pieces
exactly like pages with my ink writing on them
takes me by the neck and demands me to make a living surrounded and created by these words and disorders
how wonderful and sad at the same time
how caging it has been and freeing it will be
and writing seems to come screaming out of me against my will
and i seemed to have been born with dormant disorders taking their time and space in my head
so maybe i have a love hate relationship with all that has created me and become of me
especially given that i’ve had depression since i was nine years old
it gave me a different perspective than most people,
but it also made me grow up too quickly.
with anxiety since fifteen that has made me physically sick
but has given me words i never would have written.
an eating disorder that’s taken me by the neck and torn me to shreds
but let me create a world
maybe it’s been all meant to be
so i could be fifteen with energy in my bones and finding my passion already
so i could be nineteen, moving in leaps and bounds and paying it forward (continued in comments)
*trigger warning ⚠️ * just in case. This is recovery. Recovery is not always rainbows, sunshine, and butterflies. You may be on a "streak" of good days and then all it takes is just one incident to trigger those anxious thoughts and feelings which then lead you into a depressed slump. That happened to me today. I was on the verge of tears all day at work and when I got home I just balled my eyes out. Yes, I have been going to therapy for 4 weeks now and have been consistent with writing down my 3 positive things a day but yet I felt like everything came crashing down and my life was in shambles. My face started to get numb, my breathing was shallow, and my heart started to race. I breathed through it and was focused on my surroundings. Luckily My boyfriend was home to help me. Today is today. Today will pass and tomorrow is a whole new day. #anxiety#anxietysucks#thisisrecovery#recovery#anxietysupport#generalizedanxietydisorder#roadtorecovery#mentalillness#mentalhealth#mentalhealthawareness#endthestigma