I want to tell you my story. This may offend some, but this is as real and vulnerable as I will probably ever be on social media.
I never wanted anything more than I wanted to be a mom. My husband and I got married at 20 and immediately started trying for a baby. We thought it was going to be a simple progression of events. Married, baby, done. Easy. Not so much. We tried for over two years for a baby, and in that time we suffered. We cried and asked god "Why?" We looked at other expecting parents and wondered why them and not us. We got pregnant 3 times in those two years and each time ended in heartbreaking loss. So when we got pregnant a fourth time we were anxious. Scared. We had all of the typical testing done in the first trimester. Everything came back negative. (1:19000 chance for Down syndrome is considered a negative it turns out) I was still scared something would happen at any moment. It felt like a dream. .
Things finally started setting in during the second trimester when we learned we were having the baby girl we always wanted. It was finally starting to feel real. We had never made it that far into a pregnancy before. We went in for our anatomy scan one month later and all of the fear from the first trimester had been replaced with excitement! This was really happening! 20 weeks. Half way there. .
That's when we learned that our baby girl had a missing piece of her heart, right in the middle. She would need open heart surgery. My sweet little lemon who was so tiny and fragile would need to be cut open?! I was devastated. Every fear was intensified. I was flooded with emotion. I just wanted to keep her safe inside of me forever. Weeks of doctors appointments followed. They told me I needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital. A specialist. More testing they said. I didn't understand, but we followed their suggestions. .
We went for a more in depth ultrasound of her heart. It was worse than they originally thought. She had a complete AVSD. Not one chamber in her heart was closed. Just a big open heart, blood pumping, but unable to get oxygen as needed. I was a mess and in this cloud of fear and tears they looked at me and said- Cont below
So thankful for this dude. He helps with all my pictures. He poses, he spots, he catches her when she falls, he is patient, he is loving, and even when I am being a momster he is there. I just want to take a second and say how thankful I am. 😍❤️ #hazelnoellawson
How is my baby girl one already?! She loved her birthday party and most of all she loved her cake. We had to take it away from her because she ate half of it and we were afraid she was going to vomit! 😂#hazelnoellawson
It has been such a hard couple of weeks. I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I think we are going to be taking a long break from BR. I will continue to work with a couple of our beloved shops and continue to post but it has just become so overwhelming. My mom is in the hospital and it's been a hard time for our family, but I just have shops asking about their photos over and over again. It makes us feel so crappy. Honestly. We are human. We are a family. We are struggling. I promise I am doing my best. I will get everyone their photos the best that I can. But we will not be taking any new collabs or shops for a while. I apppreciate all of our supportive shops and the love that most of you guys have shown us. We just need to focus on our family right now. ❤️ #hazelnoellawson
I walk into our kitchen to find a trail of crayons (in ROYGBIV order, of course 🌈) on our dining table. A few moments later it is joined by paints, pencils, and markers. My middle child, in her My Little Pony nightgown, moves cautiously around the table, setting up her art supplies juuuuuust right. She steps back to admire her arrangement and props her chin on her hand. "I'm just feeling a little creative, Mom." Ah, the self-awareness of a seven year-old. Go for it, babe. We'll eat dinner on the couch. 😉💗
The road stretched out for miles in front of our 1990 Mazda MPV, my brother and I situated with our Walkman's and snacks in the back seat, a small TV/VCR combo wedged between the front seats where my parents replenished our viewings of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, our favorites at the time. It was the epic road trip of 1992, when my family piled into our van and made the journey from Southern California to Northern Vermont, with a few stops in between (Hello, Mt. Rushmore! Hello, Quebec!) to visit my maternal grandparents. I feel that as a kid, you're either the type of family who goes on vacations to new destinations, or, you're the kid like me, who's family was speckled throughout the country so every trip ended at a relative's house. Even though I am California-born, my New England roots run deep and the Green Mountains of Vermont bring a familiar comfort to me, the highway winding between the peaks in the fog. That road trip was the first of many, and after our move to Arkansas years later, we were all happy to see the stretch of space between our home and Vermont shrink by several inches on the map. There are hints of my Vermont-love sprinkled throughout my house, whether it's the pure maple syrup in the fridge (gallon jugs replenished by my Mom after her trips up north) or my collection of Bennington Pottery, creamy white bowls and plates, smooth with glaze, straight from Bennington, Vermont, that fill my cabinets (and, in this case, my dishwasher). We take pieces of our childhood with us as we grow into adults, especially those bent towards the sentimental (like yours truly). And now when my own family gathers for dinner, the Oklahoma fields stretching far outside our windows, I love that a small piece of Vermont joins us at the table, the creamy plates and rounded bowls, a part of our dinner conversation and the memories we make at the table. Have a lovely Thursday, friends!
А июнь вообще в курсе что он лето?
Сегодня утром, взглянув в окно, я заплакала.
Моими слезами можно было бы заполнить целую бутылку из-под новый Sprite вкус огурец, и пить без остановки, и то было бы вкуснее.
Как раз стоя под этим освежающим дождем со снегом.
Увидев парня в тонкой куртке, который согнувшись мужественно шёл навстречу этому ледяному и беспощадному ветру, прикрываясь газеткой, я снова заплакала.
Я пыталась орать ему с балкона “беги глупец” но он уже упал и замёрз насмерть. А мурашки на моих ногах порвали колготки.
Я молча вернулась в комнату, не обращая внимания на вырванную ветром балконную дверь, которая болталась на верхнем шпингалете, и легла
на кровать, судорожно всхлипывая.
И стала утешать себя мыслью, что так будет не всегда.
Скоро станет легче.
Месяца через 4 дадут отопление.
С первым летним снегом, друзья ❄️
Какой смайл сегодня у вас за окном?
Today is my very first Mother's Day. I feel utterly bewildered that I gave life to this little baby who has shaped me into a completely new human. I love being a mother, I love being his mother, today I feel so proud of myself. Love yourselves today, my mom tribe. You are all a wonder to witness. 💕