Self-Destructive Tendencies - Serrated Psychotic
Smile on my face but inside I’m breaking
I can’t ever seem to tell who’s real and who’s faking
Maybe I’m too much to be taking on
I wonder who would notice if one day I was simply gone
But It doesn’t seem to matter nothing ever changes
This is how it goes when you fall in love with strangers
Break down the nothing and find a place to fall
My biggest problem is I choose to give my all
I never knew what I was doing from the start
Everything hurts when you have a big heart
I couldn’t quit this even if I tried
I have made it through every time I’ve cried
I’m a masochist of the soul
A sucker for the pain
I do this to myself
I hurt myself in vain
I can’t get back to the person that I used to be
So much shit is happened I don’t even know me
My mental health lately has been in an extremely low low, and it's been hard to navigate which direction is the correct way back up. I have felt completely at a loss for quite a few weeks now, feeling completely shattered on the inside.
This is the invisible side to mental illness that I so desperately wish more people understood. There is such a stigma around mental health, that it invalidates the physical symptoms that manifest. I have been so exhausted that I have been sleeping through alarms; I could sleep for 12 hours and still feel like I need to go back to sleep. My appetite has disappeared, I could count on one hand the number of full meals I've finished in the last two weeks. The exhaustion is not aided by the insomnia, in which I go days without rest, or the nightmares, which leave loved ones brutally killed in heavy detail every single night that I can sleep. I have never in my life inflicted such a supreme level of self isolation on myself, I have even been giving away shifts at my jobs in order to avoid engaging with other people.
Now, self care wouldn't have eliminated all of this. But it would have helped, a lot. It would have slowed down my decline so that my therapist and I could have recognized it and interfered sooner. Every task has taken about 29x the normal effort lately and it has honestly been a bit scary to feel this trapped. So for me, self care today looks like bringing my laundry up from the basement and eating a protein bar. Tomorrow I will attempt to eat a full meal after I work out. Baby steps, but baby steps that matter.