#personal Been thinking a lot lately about moving to a bigger city where I can find and befriend gay/queer people, to BE with my people. I heard someone say "you can't be who you can't see" and it super resonated with me and made my heart ache. Some friends have said @well aren't I enough??" And yes I love all of my friends with the entirety of my heart but, no they aren't. And I don't know how to explain that I can't BE who I am by omitting the part of me who needs that certain sort of support. #struggling
TW (negativity) Sorry this isn't a food picture but I just need somewhere to breakdown. I'm so triggered and I can't do anything about it because there's food inside me already..
Most people's gut reaction is that's a positive but it genuinely isn't sometimes because then I get panicky, desperate and suicidal..
So I did exactly what my support worker and her manager asked me to do AGAIN today and ate breakfast before my bloods and ECG which was terrifying because my digestive system doesn't work at all anymore so I know know it's still sitting there along with yesterday's meals and Monday's. I feel so fat and bloated. AND SHE LET ME DOWN AGAIN. SHE NEVER TURNED UP AND WE NEVER WENT AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN LET ME KNOW ABOUT IT AND I WAITED FOR 4 HOURS AND MISSED LUNCH EVEN WHEN I WANTED TO EAT IT.
It hurts especially because she knows all my triggers and how they impact me more than any other worker I've ever had. She's even seen videos I have made recording my most personal meltdowns. She knows exactly what she's done and can still do it without batting an eyelid which makes my self worth crumble.
I’m working my way around to being able to tell you about my time at #hutchmoot but before I get there, I needed to be honest about what has come before. .
I told God, 40 days, I’ll stay offline for 40 days. It wasn’t even hard. In the initial days after I stepped away I felt relief. I felt like my lungs were finally able to fully expand. I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath.
More than that, I’d been holding my tongue.
This one is for those of us who are more than angry. This is for those of us who want to know, “where is my rage safe?” [new post up at kriscamealy.com]
Look what I just found in the attic 😂 An entire package of sweets n‘ stuff. I guess some months ago I hid it there to somehow resist my b/p urges 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️ Whatever, today was good so far. My situation at home is quite acceptable at the moment. My mom drove me to school today, picked me up a while ago and now‘re off to a „yoghurt fabric“ 😂 Guess who‘s driving 💁🏼💁🏼
Today was a rough day for food. I forgot my breakfast at home but luckily I had a Larabar in my purse. I started not feeling well by lunch so all I have was a baked potato. For dinner I made scrambled eggs with turkey meat, avocado, spinach, onions, and almonds for crunch. This was pretty good I just didn’t have much of an appetite. #whole30challenge#whole30#struggling
Yesterday I officially ran out of lax, and I can't buy anymore until tomorrow. I have laxative tea but I'm not optimistic. It tastes okay though. I'm feeling really low self esteem. At day hospital yesterday two members of staff pointed out I've lost weight, and I know I have according to the scales. But I can't see it at all. I still feel like the same flabby old me. And the voices keep reminding me that's all I am. They're constant chatter in my head feels like I'm being followed around constantly by anti me protesters. Constantly shouting in my ear. I can't tell when people are actually talking to me over the voices. Apparently I walked past someone I know the other day and they were stood right next to me at one point saying hello and I was so lost in everything I had no idea. But it's not just voices anymore, I can see what people are thinking when they look at me. They can be so so horrible and it makes me want to stay inside my flat forever. Especially after discovering I'm always gonna be second best. I feel like im not good enough to go out into the world for everyone to see and I don't think I'd cope with it. So I've become very isolated. Apart from appointments the only other person I really see at the minute is my friend but if anything that complicates things in my head more. All my trauma thoughts are slowly taking over and taking control, aggravating my bulimia making me a hermit. It's a very lonely life to be honest. #mentalhealth#mentalillness#recovery#ed#eatingdisorder#bulimia#depression#anxiety#ptsd#psychosis#voices#paranoia#struggling
Inner peace is so important, standing on your own two feet and being able to manage on your own is a beautiful feeling. 💕
You can try and break me down but your efforts failed miserably, I may dip and have shit times but they don't last forever, that dark personality of yours will never change, I am who I am and I'm loved for being me, you're the lonely one it's time for you to leave. 💕
Love those for who they are and what they aspire to be and if they're lost, help them, don't slate them , don't beat them down, because tomorrow may never come and everyone deserves to live. I WANT YOU TO LIVE #innerpeace#struggling#help#aspire#confidence#manage#therapy#soulsearching#mentalhealth#live#love#laugh
Day 18- Dumbest Pumpkin. Vernon the Pumpkin (working name, as my daughter is asleep already so she didn't have a chance to name him yet) is struggling with maths. He just failed his test 😩he's frustrated and upset. He heard one of his classmates calling him "dumb". Well he's not dumb!!! He might be struggling with maths at the moment but if anyone needs a chariot to go to a ball who are they going to call upon? Hm? Not a carrot that's for sure (although carrot rhymes with chariot, ha! .... I need to go to bed I think) The third photo is of someone who I often call "silly pumpkin" so there... enjoy! #mabsdrawlloween2017#mabsdrawlloweenclub2017#drawlloween#pumpkin#dumb#struggling#math#magicpumpkin#felt#toy#felty#embroidery#halloween#craft#art#dogs
Woke up to heart racing and pounding, awful anxiety and I don’t know why. I don’t even have to go to work today. I don’t think I could go to work today. Managed to stop it turning into a full blown panic attack. Got pretty much no sleep, feel like shit. It’s going to take a whole load of effort for me to get through this day, I’m going to try- I’ve got to, there’s no other option. ⛅️ #anxiety#bpd#depression#ednos#mentalhealthawareness#mentalillness#struggling#needsupport