Reasonably happy with today even though I didn’t finish accessories which makes my eye twitch. 335 paused single front squat and I wish my knees would drive out more through the middle but it was still decent. And with deadlifts we get to the #warinsidemyhead . To conventional or not to conventional. I realize these reps aren’t very pretty but that last one moved really well. These *felt* very good today. So good that I moved up from my original plan of 352 to 374. I dunno man. I dunno.
I'm gonna be completely honest. The past few weeks I've been exhausted, I'd love to just go to sleep and wake up when I feel better but deep down I know that won't help because it doesn't matter how much sleep I get (I've recently just told someone I'm going into hibernation mode) and it's true, I'm sleeping my days away but I still wake up exhausted, but I guess that's what happens when you're battling a war inside your head. And please don't confuse these days as a sign of weakness, these are the days I'm fighting the hardest! It can be so hard to explain, because I'm good for awhile, I'll laugh more, smile more, sleep and eat normally. But then something happens, a switch goes off, or in my case a "trigger" as my psychiatrist likes to call it, and all I'm left with is racing and scrambled thoughts and the darkness of my mind. And it's there, the sadness that hurts you even more because you know you were happy just awhile ago. Depression sucks! Bipolar sucks! Triggers fucking SUCK! 🖕🏻#bipolar#depression#triggers#suck#warinsidemyhead#exhausted#mentalhealth#mentalillness#mentalhealthawareness#ymm
Take knife and fork.
Cut away a little piece of yourself, child.
Scrape out that chasm in your chest.
You know you're still growing.
You always will.
The nightmares will have to subside.
That is the nature of these things.
I will have nights,
Screaming at the gods above.
Begging for a release from this.
Praying, in some sense, for an end that I once and again thought I deserved.
I will keep screaming until I no longer feel the need to will myself into dust for you. Because I know the fragments of myself would sparkle in the sun, with a beauty that I hope you see someday.
Instead of letting the pieces blow away,
I will keep warring with myself until I am polished and fine.
Not worthy of your love.
But maybe worthy of mine.