“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over again to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.” Pema Chodron. Sounds like an awful lot of pain. Living in constant fear sounds exhausting and perhaps it would be easier to get a safe little 9-5 where you can protect yourself from the world of na-sayers.
Stop right there! Keep going and do it for you. #doitfortheprocess