[hsm - gotta go my own way]
Do you remember the sunset? How we climbed that old abandoned building to watch the flame of the earth fall to rest? I do, and that’s my problem; I remember so much. I can’t let go of the past. It’s time to let go of you. The spiritual you. The physical you let go of me a long time ago. The sweet memory of you is tricky. I almost think I can feel you in my dreams sometimes, or hear your voice in the light breeze of the wind. I’m not one to chase after people. I never was and i’m still not. I love you like you love the space that has grown between our hearts. You just wanted a little room to breathe and I care too much about you to not respect your wishes. I haven’t given up hope for us because I can’t get the look on your face when you saw how beautiful the end of the day can be out of my head. Endings will always be the best part and you and I haven’t had ours yet. I guess that’s why you’re so hard to let go of.
- @wreckedher (me) // 3:03 p.m
#Facts ... If you get this then you get me. When your goals and your plans are so exciting to you, sleep sometimes feels like it gets in the way 😂. Some people may think I’m crazy when I say that but passion is stronger than caffeine. It’ll have you up and ready, beating your alarm clock every time. I’m grown... grown folks are always tired, regardless. We have responsibilities, people to see, and things to do, so it may never seem like there’s enough hours in a day. And please don’t get me wrong, I rest because burnout is very real. I have a whole day dedicated to resting and I’ll hit the snooze button whenever my mind and body gives off the energy of needing more rest. But when inspiration hits, I go with it. Whether that be at 3 p.m. or 3 a.m. Sorry not sorry 🤷🏾♀️. The way I view it is I’m gonna be tired anyway. I might as well have some thing to show for it.
I was recently asked this by an uncle who I had decided to tell the truth to. I had kept what was done to me a secret for 19 years and now that I had the courage to speak out I had chosen to tell him because, out of the six siblings my mother had, he was the one uncle I felt closest to.
My uncle said he believed me but what was the point in breaking up a family after such a long time. You see, my mother and father left their life and family in El Salvador almost 32 years ago. We visited every couple of years when I was a child. My abuse started and ended there but the monster stayed there, with a family that did not know what he had done to me.
My uncle talked about how my abuser had been raised and loved by our family all his life and I, the daughter of an estranged sister, was now claiming abuse. Who would believe me? They would call me a liar, he said.
It had never occurred to me that my truth would not be believed. My entire life I had seen my abuser as a demon, a monster that preyed on children. The bad guy in every film was him. It had never occurred to me that others would not see him like that. I knew what he had done. I had lived with the consequences of his actions all my life and even if I told the world the truth, I would be the one to pay the price.
I started to doubt myself. What was the point then? If no one believed me, if no one cared, why was I doing this?
Face, in a story.
When you get "F" in class = "face".
Sandy: I think I got Face in the test.
Lisa: Why, I thought you had it under control.
Sandy: When I was cheating I got caught, the teacher was right behind me as I pulled up my skirt.
Lisa: Why did you pull your skirt up?
Sandy: Because I always tape all my answers above my knees, I think he is gonna give me a face on that sh*ty Aljobra test.
Breaking news, Aljobra is no longer a study in school.
P.s. I end up getting a B, I guess he didn't notice, or was too embrace to say anything, lol.
I used to crave death a time ago. Just thinking about it could bring an arcane ease in a few moments, deeming how one act on impulse has the power to stop everything, the suffering, the pain in a span of few seconds.
But over time, the idea of death changed. Somewhat took me years to realize what one hell of a disaster it is, which I once percieved as an escapade. Thinking about it now makes me comfortless that how everything's going to stop one day. Not only this suffering but all the things that made me fall in love with life. And I believe the meaning changed for me when I started looking at these things as things greater than my sufferings.
The transition took place & I began opening my eyes to this world & its aesthetics, becoming more vigilant than ever. It was like I had my eyes blindfolded to everything around ever since I came to this place. And I regret to have taken those many years to realize this life is worth living despite its hurdles & odds.
If I die tomorrow, there will be no more sun rises that I stay awake for on weekend nights, waiting for the morning to cast its spell.
There will be no home to crave when I'll be away. No family to pull me in its embrace when I'll be vanishing.
It hurts me to think how this place is temporary; us & our relations. These friendships won't last forever. My family & I will part someday to meet at the judgement day, even that I'm not sure of. How everything will reduce to dust on Allah's one command. All will be gone. There will be no little kids on the road, going to school bringing cool to my eyes as I see them now. There will be no laughter resonating in my ears as I sit among my friends & see them go red with happiness. There will be no you listening to my countless stories & rants. And there will be no me, standing by the flowers with camera in my hand, cherishing the offerings of the little wonders of God.
Coming this far, I realized I made a huge mistake falling in love with this world & its people. Had I kept my eyes closed all this time, it'd have been easier leaving this place. Now, it won't be. And that creeps me to the core.
Who knew being myself held so much power. The day I allowed myself to be free. The day I permitted my guard to fall. The day I let go of false perfection. The day I cared nothing of opinions. The day I said God... you made no mistakes with me. .
Grown woman, every where is hot. Meaning everywhere has its problems. Meaning everyone has their issues. Why try and be something you are not. Why aspire to live the life of others because you perceive perfection to be their portion. .
I challenge you to give yourself a try. Drop the act and own you. People will have no choice but to take you as you come and embrace all you are... authentically. .
And it's only when we truly remember all that we are, including our divine lineage and our full worth, it's only then that we shall want for nothing; because in that moment, we finally understand that nothing is lacking, nor has it been.
Some personal thoughts I wanted to write up.
Copyright Carolyn Glackin 2017.
Image via Pinterest.