I have begun to expect disappointment.
Yes being a mother makes me happy, but being a mother also makes my anxiety and depression sky rocket. It puts thoughts in my mind, one of which being: as a single mother of not only one, but two children, will anybody ever want to put up with all three of us? I know it can be difficult but I keep reminding myself we are all worth it; I can wait because my kids deserve the best. I deserve the best. Then someone says something to me and the thoughts flow over and over again. Am I really what they think I am? Am I truly worth it? Do I even deserve my beautiful children? I think I do, but sometimes words people say, make me feel otherwise. I know I should not listen to others, or let their opinions affect me, but that is so much easier said than done. As the thoughts flood my mind, much like a natural disaster (maybe i myself am naturally disastrous), I start wanting to stay alone, and not go anywhere or do anything. If I go out how will people look at me? Will they see the person i try so hard to be? Perhaps they will see the true me, who I truly am inside. I may look happy and like my life is together, but the truth is: it is not. My life has never been together, and whenever I feel like it's getting there, I just sit in my own thoughts and wonder how I am going to mess it up this time. Maybe I won't. Maybe this time will be different. Although it will more than likely have the same outcome, I will keep pushing. I will try my hardest to make it work, and maybe once it does, I will finally realize life is not all that bad, nor is it filled with constant calamity.